The Girl with the Hep C Eyes

And this is The End

2007-09-22T21:59:00.001-05:00

The end to this story at least, of the The Girl with the Hep C Eyes. Realized it this morning while out on my run: my Hep C Eyes are no more. It was good though, for me as Ample. I found a lot of new voices, mine included, and I can't say thank you enough. I mean: Whoa! My little blip of Hep C, the discovery, the decisions, then the treatment, the wait, and now SVR (still so amazing). They were all tremendous, monumental, course forming events for me... and I put them here and you came, and you witnessed, and you helped me through it. Thank you (times a gazillionmillion).

I'll leave this blog up for a little while. Not sure if it could help anyone (don't want to clog up the blog-o-sphere), but Hep C is still pretty huge, and way too undiscovered, so I want to keep my girlie voice out there a bit longer, loud and clear, to proudly define the meaning of effort and victory, of wonder, discovery, and letting go. All attributes I needed everyday while on treatment, lessons I learned and relearned, over and over. Whew.... what a trip, damn happy I beat that train. It can be done.

So if you've just come to this blog because of some connection with Hep C, then please check out the links, reach out for help, and rest. And if you're the one who actually has the virus, then do the same times a milliongazillion. Take a breath. You can do it. Really.

Well, thank you again. I'm gonna miss those Hep C Eyes in some ways. Many ways. Funny how this feels. Ah well. Good bye.

Damn, I am happy

2007-09-22T14:41:00.001-05:00

I ran 3 miles,
while everyone slept,
watch the sun rise,
choosing each step.
50 more years,
I feel I've been given,
maybe even more,
since now I am driven.
So on with my day,
home finally alone,
hours to float,
new freedoms to roam.

SVR

2007-09-21T21:44:00.001-05:00

I'M CLEAR!!!

I'M CLEAR! I'M CLEAR! I AM CLEAR!!!!!!! Un-De-Tect-Able!! BAM BAM BAM!! I'm clear. No more virus to be found, never to hurt me or slow me down in the least bit ever. Totally by surprise! I retested just three days ago! Was totally unprepared. Thought I had a week at least to chill. Then BAM!!!! Whooooo Hoooooooo! Holey Crap. Holey @#%@#$ Crap. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. W-ow-ow-ow! Whew! Holey #$%@. Totally by surprise.

Well sort of, you see, I was out doing work stuff with my daughter at the new office building (totally separate story, so anyway) I get home and there's a message on the phone. Two actually. The first, my best friend, asking me to call her if I get home before 5:30. It's 4:40. I think: cool. Then there's this next message. And first there's a long long pause, I began to think it's a hangup, then ta-da! There's my doc's voice: Hi, [Ample]. This is [the doc]. Please call me. I have results for you. (blah blah number number). You'll be happy.

Holey Crap! Right? It's only been three days. How can this be??? Do I call her? Do I call my friend? Can I do this? First I check on my daughter, I even tell her the doc message deal, but she's watching TV, totally distracted, says she's hungry. OK. I grab her the left over cantaloupe. Then it starts to rain and I remember my windows are down. I stop to go do that. More little things, over and over, up and down, back and forth, phone in hand, never ready to dial the number.

And it's the doc's cell phone number, can you believe that? She's off of work on Friday afternoons, yet here she is, on my answering machine saying she has the results.... and that I can call her. Should I call her? Holey crap. I think I am going to throw up.

4:51, phone in hand. I'm shaky, can't sit down, can't stand up, can't hardly breathe. Stomach hurts. Face keeps contorting with waves of fierce tears. I grimace, then relax, grimace, then relax.

4:53, OK, I'll dial..... yep...... Grimace, OK, grimace, OK..... ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring (forever!)

doc: Hello?

me: Hi [doc], this is [Ample].

doc: Something, something, was hoping it was you. Something good news. Something test results. Your virus is undetectable. Something, something about how amazing it was to get the test results back in just three days and how she's never seen that before. Something, something. You are a free woman. Congratulations.

me: Ok. Wow. Thank you.

I think that's pretty much all I could blubber out. Not so silent tears were rushing much faster than I had anticipated. Much deeper in belly source. Quick goodbyes were initiated by both, then I stood on the back porch and whoosh..... made it to the chair and let myself dive, head first, more and more I wanted to feel it, say it, believe it: I am clear. I cursed and laughed, then cried and sobbed, and shook and rocked and rocked and wailed something new. Then in walks my bean, my wonderful bean.

She jumped and hugged, and cheered and laughed, and moved on, as did everyone else, so quickly. And the earth kept spinning. And the clouds parted in spectacular ways. And the colors brightened. And I kept throwing out the trash in my head, over and over, small moments, so I could be here, present. I want this, nothing else. What a great time. To be here. And free. And SVR.

I'm SVR. Holey crap. I really am. Really.

la la la

2007-09-19T16:49:00.000-05:00

la la la life continues
la la la this is fine
la la la verdict pending
la la la nine days time

No news

2007-09-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it? No news because the wrong test was completed: Hep B by mistake. The Lab's snafu (lab form said Hep C plain as day). My doc was beside herself, near to tears. She understands the weight of this moment, the build up, the surge of anticipation now stalled. She's waiting to know too: did this treatment work? How many times must she ride that roller coaster. I could only laugh with relief. Laugh and laugh and laugh. At least it's not bad news, I kept saying. I mean hey, this could be MUCH worse. Much, much worse. And it's not. So I gotta give more blood. So I gotta wait 7-10 more days. Whatever. That's no big deal. Again, at least it's not bad news, crushing news, news of failure, news of deathly viral return!!! Nope, this is just fine.

So, I said I could handle any kind of news over the phone. So no more trips to town. That's fitting actually. It's how I learned of my original viral load (11, 700, 000), of genotype 1b, over the phone. That's when I finally accepted the viral's existence. Do I remember that call well. Hey! If she calls on the 28th, it will be exactly 2 years from beginning to end. Weird!!! Wow!! Wouldn't that be cool!! Oh I hope she calls then!

Ah... life is so unpredictable isn't it. What a crazy trip. Just gotta love the newness. 10 more days, 10 more days, 10 more days...

Back and Ready

2007-09-17T17:55:00.000-05:00

Back and I hardly thought of the doc's appointment looming over me, tomorrow, bright and early. Must have been all the fun, long lost friends, and big trees (love, love, love the Redwoods), or maybe I'm just unbelievably confident about the whole thing. Either way, I had a blast. Even the city life was good for the first three days (apparently my max). Such culture, fulla drama, but all the people crowd my karma (see City Poems).

I'm just a happy space freak I suppose. Space on this planet, that is. And space I found, among the Redwoods. And bliss, and peace, and great wonderment, and anger... at stupid, greedy adults who have selfishly sawed downed 95% of these majestic beings. And then there are the litter beasts (damn it they are everywhere). How many cigarette butts did I pick up? How many empty beer cans? How many wads of gum? Unbelievable. We did what we could every where we went (my bean's a litter cleaning fiend as well). But the peak of the trip, the grand finale, the ultimate crescendo, was the night at the fire tower (Bear Basin Butte Lookout, of the Smith River National Recreation Area). Just us (hubby and bean), at the top of a long, long, long mountain road. No electricity, no running water, I could live there for months at a time. Spent many moments daydreaming of just that.

And home again now, I've allowed myself to daydream all afternoon about tomorrow. Allowed my mind to fill with images of perfection. Then of how to, how to, how to. Than back to center, over and over and over again. I wouldn't want to miss this once in a life time affair.

I have my picture planned out and a few questions for the doc written down (pretty sure I'd forget them in the glow of all the excitement). Questions like:

Will I ever be tested for Hep C again? And if so, how often?
Does this mean I will never see you (the gastro doc) again? In other words: will the future tests, if any, be completed by my primary?
And finally, is this the end?

I plan on sending flowers. Thought about bringing them. But what if the news is bad: oh, the virus is back, well.... here's some flowers. Nope. I don't think so. But I will send flowers later. Over all, the doc/me relationship's been pretty good. My "doc" (actually an A.R.N.P.) was as great as any involved pharmacist could be. I have tons and tons of respect for her, but that's really all it was. The rest of "treatment" was done my me, with lots of help from the universe, certain close friends (blogging buddies and favorite cousins included here), parents, the bean, and my hubby.

Holey crap..... the news better be good. Wish me luck. Please.

(added later) answers to questions: 1. only if I want to; 2. either/or, my choice; 3. yes, this is SVR.

City Poems

2007-09-17T12:22:00.001-05:00

3rd day:

City, City,
what a pity,
I can not stay.
Gotta go,
brain tells me so,
my heart she knows the way.
To the hills,
clean air to fill,
my lungs of city dust.
Was fun to see,
street life of thee,
but hug a tree I must.

4th day, angst reflected:

Eyes of many,
space for few,
tongues aplenty,
chomp bits then poo,
lines soar up,
to crowd the sky,
hurried bees,
say: yours is mine.

upon return to the city:

Glowing fog,
or is it smog,
at night they look the same.
Web of lights,
obscure the sights,
no stars to show the way.
Traffic signs,
confusing lines,
my heart is sinking fast.
Desire to flee,
is grasping me,
tomorrow home at last.

tried to write a poem about the beloved Redwoods. Tried for days actually, but it kept turning out angry:

Little Redwood sapling,
how will you fare,
with such evil minded monkeys,
demanding their share....

or

Little Redwood sapling,
will you survive,
thousands of years,
past when I die....

Oh well.

Done and gone

2007-09-06T18:35:00.000-05:00

Blood given, turned in, to be searched for any living, hidden, remaining, virus. But can't they look at it all? That's such a small sample, what if it's just not in that place, at that very time when you poked it? Ah well. Why do I need someone else's proof, right? Ah well (not a substitute for "All Well").

Well now I'm off. To San Francisco and around. 10 days of new moments. Will be fun.

DON don DON don DON don

2007-09-06T10:09:00.000-05:00

Lab forms are ready so I guess I am too.

DON don DON don DON don

Waiting with relief

2007-09-04T20:29:00.000-05:00

Lab forms forgotten
never sent
by the docs
repeated calls
two days worth
but phone lines "down"
new office snafu
OK
Got till Thursday
to get contact
to go back to town
to give the blood
before I'm off to Cally
for 9 days
back just before the appointment
which could only happen if
phone lines work
OK
Actually a bit relieved :)

Labs tomorrow

2007-09-03T16:54:00.000-05:00

I keep forgetting I'm doing my labs tomorrow. Really, I keep forgetting, then BAM, it sneeks up on me, right out of the blue, WHOOSH "labs tomorrow", WHOOSH "labs tomorrow", WHAP with the realization that I am almost done. Finie, maybe forever. Whoa-ho-ho, really? Could I be? Done with the virus before I ever felt it? Done with labs? Done with doctor visits? Done with worry? WHOOSH, WHAP, WAM..... wow.

6 month closing

2007-09-02T15:39:00.000-05:00

Have started a new fast,
but not before I canceled all superfluous subscriptions,
and erased my name from calling lists,
and purged my closet and the bean's drawer,
filling four bags to Goodwill,
and not before I rawed my diet for two days,
skipping cookout delights,
then ice cream,
not even a taste,
now finally I can fast.

More time

2007-08-30T20:39:00.000-05:00

Bippity boppity, here then there, on again off again, smile and swear, life is so fancy now, eyes do shine, without the hep C, my life more time.

Bean's day of birth

2007-08-29T20:50:00.000-05:00

....was spent paddling up the Econfina Creek in my hubby's old yeller canoe (my sweet single sitter Wanona, couldn't come on this trip, no room on the truck, gotta get racks!). Lazily we searched for the flowing springs, so incredible..... except for the trash. Bastard people!! We cleaned up what we could, filled the front of the boat with broken glass, rusty cans, and sundry pieces of people filth. Many long breaths of anger were taken, yet we still had a blast. My little bean showed great bravery, diving 9 feet down into the gaping spring's mouth, over and over. Me, "the swimmer", too irrationally scared to try. The feeling of being grabbed and yanked down by crazed alligators or sharks or undiscovered monsters is just too overwhelming, but not for the bean. She's 7 now, full of muster, strength, and laugher. Hubby and I turned up the speed on the way back down the river. Bean squeals were heard for miles, I am sure. Then she got to practice, my one day paddle partner, she's got potential.

Over all it was great, but the trash pissed her off too. I definitely see a community service project in the making! Love that homeschooling freedom! Happy day of birth my bean. I'm so glad I'm not on treatment anymore.

Crazy

2007-08-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

Now it does seem crazy I went through the first 5 months of treatment w/o a blog. Just didn't know much about them back then. But then, I remember hitting that seriously heavy medicated wall and pretty quickly (for being all drugged up) realizing I needed something more if I was going to make it. And lo and behold I found my necessary sustenance from on-line free expression and friends. Go figure. Who knew this blog would become such a clear, set space for me to flow my sudden overfill. Unencumbered by verbal sputterings, time of day or night, ghastly appearance, or even location on the planet, writing and writing and writing gave me light, ease, a chance to breathe. Great friends I have found too, accepting, cheering, mutual, life long. Gotta thank the Hep C Forum for most of that. Thanks Hep C forum. Crazy.

And now it's been a year on the blog. Almost a year and half since starting treatment. Gonna take the blood test next Tuesday, I think. Then I'll travel to San Francisco for a wedding celebration and family vacation. I won't find out the results until my appointment on the 18th. I-yeei-yeei. Then I'll know if it's all over, the Hep C, gone before it ever hurt me. That sounds good. Yeah.

But first I'm gonna celebrate my bean's real day of birth, tomorrow. Much more fun to think about for sure.

August 26th

2007-08-26T15:52:00.000-05:00

Began this blog exactly one year ago today. Wow. Crazy.

Party fun

2007-08-25T21:59:00.000-05:00

50 some odd helium balloons filled the screened in pool (a bean birthday tradition), pink ribbons hung gracefully like a silent kelp forest over the water, for only seconds. Then splash, leap, jump, crash, swoop, pounce, spring, vault; leaping monkeys filled the air. By mid afternoon: floaty toys floated across the pool deck, water balloon creation was perfected, lofted, and punched, pizza was eaten, watermelon gone, juice, sodas, water bottles littered every surface, and happy birthday was sung over frosted cupcakes. My beaming bean glowed. Man, is she beautiful. Great presents were scored and gushing thank yous were given. Wow...

.... my girl is getting older. So fast this has happened. She's so tall. Made it so far in her young little life. Through her mom's treatment, so brave and helpful, and patient. We couldn't do a birthday party for her last year, I was way, way too sick, just a substitute trip to an amusement park with her daddy and Papa. They did have a blast though! She called me a few times all excited. This year I got to see her laugh though. And I got to spend the evening in the front yard with her, playing with presents, laughing and running myself. Wow...

.... time sure is passing, healing, moving along.

Best run yet

2007-08-24T11:50:00.000-05:00

Friday's fun: 9.20 hike from house to trail head, 26.70 mins of sliding, running, slipping, and scrambling up and around "No Name Trail", 8.62 min hike back home. Brilliant, gazelle like, and not nearly as many spiders as I expected. Best run yet.

Friday AM

2007-08-24T08:09:00.000-05:00

8:09 is spontaneously mine! Hubby's off with the bean, a day of scalloping before the big important party tomorrow. I couldn't go with, because I still have a few things left to do before tomorrow's said event. It's true: gotta paint the dog bone shaped pinata, put sprinkles on the cakes. Which, all said and done, will take about 1 hour max to complete.

So really.......... I got the day off! BAM! Just like that. We are all happy. Sweet mother of all sweetness, hallelujah (that's a crazy word to spell, isn't it), woo hoo, wonderful. Home alone and I've got no stress about tomorrow, cause the big party's really small and special: just her two best friends and their mom (who is my best friend), and possibly her husband, at my parent's current house with pool, with my parents, and my hubby, and delivered pizza, and cupcakes, and watermelon, and those little orange, cheese and peanut butter crackers, that you can get at the convenience store for just 25 cents, laid out nicely on a platter (my daughter's contribution, her idea of the perfect appetizer, she cracks me up!).

Ah........ easy peasy and home alone before I even needed it. Wow. This is new.

I like it.

Where have I been

2007-08-22T19:05:00.000-05:00

Wednesday already
and where have I been
just putting down ducks
in a row my friend
Got the bean's party
the seventh so far
she's walking around big
already the star
And the regular cooking
and cleaning and stuff
just enough busy
to prove I am tough
Still running each day
guess that's really the news
distance I'm reaching
strong body I choose
Got my 6 month C-check
in two weeks time
not even worried
I'm sure I am fine
Just moving ahead
and back and to the sides
in round about circles
enjoying my ride

Old Blue remembers

2007-08-18T22:07:00.000-05:00

Just went to set my watch alarm for tomorrow's 6:30am run, my favorite time. Knew as I held Old Blue, that I hadn't set this alarm in a long while, no image came to mind, merely a vague sensation. I even fumbled a bit re-learning the sequences. Beep, beep, beep went the buttons. Finally "ALM 1" flashed, then "8:30 AM OFF" appeared, the last alarm memory, my morning pill time. Immediately my arms filled with jelly, eyes overflowed, still as a statue, I stood staring. Gasping to regain my senses, I quickly beeped, beep, beep: "ALM 2", flash, flash, "8:30 PM OFF", evening pills. Beep, beep, beep: "ALM 3", flash, flash, "6:30 PM OFF" (pause here for reverence.....), this one was my shot alarm. Every Friday evening for 48 weeks, it called me to task, asked for another week's commitment, put the ball in my court.

Ancient history, but did I reset them? No. Not yet. I'll use a different clock for tomorrow.

Fresh melon

2007-08-17T12:33:00.000-05:00

A two mile run and fresh melon for breakfast, a near perfect bandaid for the self loathing of yesterday's engorgement. And I'm not just talking about the 5 cookies. There were at least three earlier with my Grandpa, plus the doughnuts (can't forget all those). Oh my gosh, the doughnuts... one after another, till whoosh! I was slipping down that old familiar slide where each swallow becomes something more, something elusive, something wonderful, just out of reach, something almost there, something way better than whatever it is I keep stuffing into my face. And I swallowed until my belly ache pulled me to my feet, still hallow, full only of disgust, disgust for my being, my body, my self-fulfilling prophecy. And just to be sure, last night, I stuffed five more highly processed 'treats' down my empty throat. Ugg.

So the running and the melon, just enough to stanch the bleeding really, to heave me back on track till next time. Unless I can figure it out first, break this familiar chain, so thoroughly passed down through generations, so wonderfully absent during 12 months of treatment. I really thought the slippy slide was gone. Nope. Ah well.

Must balance this trick
just a little bit longer
more conscious must go
till my will she gets stronger
the elusive the wonderful
all real to me now
food so inspiring
not mindlessly chowed
it's a gift it's a joy
to savor and taste
just stay off the slide
far away from the waste
And teach this new lesson
to the bean fresh and new
we feel how we eat
each day it is true.

Fifth cookie break down

2007-08-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

I'm seeking something else from food. What is it? And how can I get, whatever it is, without actually eating this calorie ridden food, of which I don't actually want! I'm serious. I'm contemplating the fifth cookie here. And I'm feeling that desire for "something else" sort of thing... some empty sort of hole thing... What is it? What do I actually want here? I'll take it! What?!

Bitchings of a homemaker

2007-08-15T11:12:00.000-05:00

24-7
that's how it goes
up with the sun
till sleep breathing blows
Always available
at the drop of a hat
if not things get tricky
how crappy is that
The line it is murky
independence the plan
on she grows upward
to stand in the clan
Then the house
and the hubby
plus the dog
always grubby
With my college degree
and a career in the past
you'd think I'd be sailing
not lashed to the mast
24-7
I think, plan, and run
must balance this act
or my health be undone

I'm getting

2007-08-14T06:14:00.000-05:00

that way again:

like a scalp needing to be scrubbed
like a plant thirsty for rain
like a head pounding from hunger
like a pot boiling louder, higher

This happens periodically:

the waste builds
the sunglasses get lost
the third interruption yet again
the wait for the bathroom
the unending stream of dishes, laundry, dinners, dishes, laundry, dinner
the constant and consistent requests for more, can you do... can you do... can you do...

I'm close to blowing:

brow is furrowed
eyes averted
cabinets slammed
long breaths out over and over and over
low growling

One day:

I will catch this sooner
change course faster
take a break two days ago

Yearning

2007-08-13T09:07:00.000-05:00

Unfinished poems
scratch lightly my head
bounce and flit hopefully
as I sit up in bed
But first laundry I hold
which later to fold
floors to be sweeping
more sand they keep keeping
and food to collect
prepare and inspect
for my bean is so hungry
hubby's belly's so grumbly
and the clutter is mounting
my steps I am counting
No time left to sit
for a moment to get
the words down
I do frown
yearn
my stomach churns
time
that is mine
lost
at such cost
to life

Good to be off of treatment*

2007-08-08T17:56:00.000-05:00

Spent the day impressing the boys: holding ticks, foraging for salamanders, exploring uncharted creek lands, that sort of thing. Good times. Both were 11, one my nephew, one his friend from back home. City boys. Spur of the moment thing: brother in law broke down late last night, along the interstate, just him and the boys, luckily within an hour of us, in his brand new, shiny red, desperate grasp at something or other, I don't know. Sweet looking ride though. Saw it today when I returned the young skater punks. The dad looked tired. Poor shiny red was strapped tightly to the trailer. Always one step away from happiness he is, it's hard to watch. But the boys were great. My bean's still ecstatic.
Yeah. It's good to be off treatment.

*edited, changed, slightly altered yet again

All is well

2007-08-06T09:13:00.000-05:00

All is well, back to normal, house is busy, full, plans this week brewing, responsibilities building, hubby-meetings with big wigs, guests arriving tonight, and maybe tomorrow, education eval this Thursday for the bean, at least that one's a breeze, bathrooms still left to clean, sheets too, a grocery run this afternoon, will need to take a shower.... and yet, I'm somehow keeping the "all is well" feeling, weird, a relief, a sure sign I'm not on treatment anymore, and that I just had a solid time off, so healthy to miss my family, feel alone, even lonely, quiet, peaceful, gotta have it.

All alone, miles from pavement

2007-08-05T08:24:00.000-05:00

Woke this morning a little disconcerted. Things feel off. Like no one's here, even me. But the dog can see me, I can tell, though he hasn't eaten the morning food I gave him. Am I dreaming? Called my hubby just to hear his voice. Left a message. Holding off calling the bean, too risky, what if I'm right, and I don't exist. Where am I? Am I here? Whoa. Time for more coffee.

3/4 day assessment

2007-08-04T16:40:00.000-05:00

Worked goodbyes until noon, finally they were off, me off, for all night. Not just for today, but all night too, till tomorrow morning, all gone, empty, plenty of time, to grow, to move and chill by my self. Whoa. So first the move: vac, mop, mow, compose a poem, and walk, over a mile, within my house, just putting things away. Body burns, mind wonders, with such delicious accomplishments. Now onto chill, all night and into the day, will watch a movie, maybe two, eat some soup, and ramble on, in my head, drifting speed, full speed ahead.

The Octopus*

2007-08-04T12:54:00.000-05:00

The octopus,
secure,
warm
against my back,
purred,
a part of me,
pulsating,
happy
to be going home,
eternally grateful,
certain,
safe,
almost asleep.

*dream poem

Quite possibly

2007-08-03T20:18:00.000-05:00

Funny what a little fresh juice in the morning will do for ya. And small portions of healthy food, and a steam facial, and some new clothes fresh from the wash, and a cleared off counter, ahhhhh.... feeling better already. And, And, And I may be getting a day off tomorrow, no bean, no hubby, me at home. Yeah maybe, gotta remember the maybe. It's looking like it though, quite possibly. Ho ho ho please....

Have I chilled yet? No.

2007-08-02T21:26:00.000-05:00

Have I chilled yet? No.... Have I chilled yet? No.... Am I chillin'? No.

At least it's not med induced

2007-08-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

Going through a little low.
Natural though this feels.
One of those times,
when things slow,
lesser glow,
slower flow.
Alright.
Guessing source:
birthday backlash,
workday whiplash,
eaten excess.
Who could know,
maybe all of those.
Time to pull back my sight,
look around,
I know I'm right.
Why do I fight.
I know this drill,
just drop the frill,
release and chill.

Whew I breathe

2007-07-31T09:21:00.000-05:00

I'm still recovering it seems, still tired, still frayed a bit, edges worn. Not from the birthday day and night, but from the next day, the next night. The work on the "old house" is getting to me, to us, much more and we may crack. Almost done, I keep saying and re-saying. Mental tricks to keep me going, rattle and repeat. One job to the next, always moving, always more to do. Last time I will do this, and this, and this. Do it right and never again, I shout between my ears. The next phase will be fun, I just know it, I just know it. We grin and bare it for now, cautious with expression, not wanting to taint my parent's move, or good days during the week, or my little birthday. Soon it will be fun, soon. Just a little bit more, I tell myself, my hubby, my little bean. Until then I swallow a million times a second, we swallow and keep moving. Mental chatter best kept silent, released safely into the ground, buried, absorbed, muffled, whew I breathe, whew I breathe, whew I breathe.

Birthday

2007-07-30T23:58:00.000-05:00

Well, I've tried several times today, to write about my birthday weekend, but it just keeps coming out all blah, blah, blah.... first we did this, then went there, blah, blah..... but it wasn't like that. There were moments of wonder. Moments I'll remember, like my hubby getting me a present, picked out and purchased a head of time, and gorgeous too. The bean singing happy birthday to me, while still in bed, still half asleep. My friend from London sending me Royal Mail Harry Potter Stamps and a perfect card and cut out. Friends and family calling with wishes, singing songs on my message machine. Lots of smiling I remember on my birthday. Even my morning coffee was worth savoring, lasting longer than my morning run, just as easy, just as peaceful, like they could just go on forever. The AC blowing ice cold while we read HP #7 aloud, for hours and hours, jumping to the excitement, at the edge of our seats. Then my mom in a beautiful skirt, with my dad smiling at the new shade of gold in their future living room. My bean in her new green dragon fly dress, dancing, dancing. A card with my mother's hand writing, saying she's proud of me and even more presents before dinner. My sushi, texture, taste explosions, so succulent, so perfect. French dessert later, chocolate mouse melting lusciously, heavenly, against my tongue. Felt "about town" going from one spot to the next, laughing with my hubby, important words, serious plans. Late night people watching, from the bar, familiar faces, older in the eyes. Windows down for the drive home, moon looking full. I had to pause in the front yard, say thank you to the stars, five months free I am, at 37 years. Wow. That's the moment I guess I should write about. That moment when everything was done, and the sky was bright, and I felt real. Huh... took writing this to comprehend that. I felt real....solid for a moment.

tired

2007-07-29T21:51:00.000-05:00

so tired....
safely back home....
will recount tomorrow....
37.....
whoo..... hooo....

whoa....
am I full....

Somber service

2007-07-27T19:19:00.000-05:00

In solemn preparation for tomorrow's event, I have tasted the dark chocolate covered blueberries, the dark chocolate covered bits of ginger, and the dark chocolate covered coffee beans. Several times, in fact, just to be sure. I have also prepared the cheeses. Sad to report, all brie is not created equal, ah well. The harvarti however, is delicious.

do doo doo. do doo doo.

2007-07-27T14:01:00.000-05:00

my birthday's... tomorrow. my birthday's ...tomorrow. no more to fear. from hep C dear. you know you've kicked it in the rear. my birthday's... tomorrow. my birthday's... tomorrow. life is not done. go have some fun. will start the day off with a run. my birthday's... tomorrow. my birthday's... tomorrow. ba ba ba ba... ba ba ba ba... babababa. babababa.

Prime*

2007-07-26T07:54:00.000-05:00

No more a mime,
I feel sublime,
saving some dime,
forgiven my grime,
not yet the slime,
quick pass the lime,
is that the chime,
so surprised it's time,
here comes my prime.

*changed again, and again, and again

Counting for two

2007-07-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

Got a new year coming up... the 28th, this Saturday, will begin my 37th year of life. Wild. Working on some resolutions, don't have any plans yet, just know I want some good food, some dark chocolate, and some quiet time to reflect. Ahhh.... sounds perfect. I don't remember much of my 36th birthday, so this one will have to count for two.

Finding my nook

2007-07-23T08:07:00.000-05:00

Took most of Saturday to scrape, haul, and dig my way back to the lonely little cramped corner I call my own. My table, my shelves full of paint, my brushes, hand stamps, magnifying glass, and glues, still there waiting for me. Ah.... I love this little corner, decorated with lights, pictures, bowls, and jars full of all sorts of things, ideas mostly, and dreams, lots of those. I had to fight for this little nook two years ago. Stood tall against my hubby, demanded my space, my honor, my presence in the workroom, until I won my rightly due. That's what it felt like anyway and I was proud. Took great care to spruce it up, make it right, accessorize. Got one big collage project out before the Hep C revolution hit, then nothing since. I used it a few times as a hiding place before treatment, but once the meds started all visitation stopped. That's when my space became the abandoned dumping ground, a storage unit for broken excess, a deserted pleasure palace overgrown with dust, dead bugs, and beastly clutter. But no more. Two large bags of trash later, three bundles of magazines to the trunk for future recycling and loads and loads of sweeping, dusting, coughing and sputtering and my lovely little corner is back, relieved, renewed, reborn, a year and a half in hiding. Spent the rest of the afternoon (bean was at my parents and the hubby was out of town) working and reworking an idea that may never come to light. Felt great even without product, just because I could lean, stand, reach, and create, clear in mind, strong in strength, and then just leave my stuff out where it will remain, untouched, until I return. Which I have many times already, if only just to peek at the perfection, my little corner of bliss, all mine.

Expressing my inner Tonks

2007-07-20T23:00:00.000-05:00

at the Harry Potter Party.

On the run again

2007-07-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

up with the sun
out for a run
1 and 1/2 miles
all full of smiles
and serious concentration....

following some great advice from a marathoner friend, reworking my running stride, shorter, more toe, back taller, full of flow..... big difference (ie: no pain hallelujah). Turns out my bod's weakened state just couldn't handle the inefficient, wonky running style I had developed by default over the years. ....ah, the good 'ol days of "just getting by", off you go by the way side, no time to loose, got new moves to groove, hold me back and I'll give you the sack, quick as that, it's a fact, I'm off to fly, on to hill sides, long stretches I'll glide, to find my new stride, more fun tomorrow, deep strength no need to borrow.

Oh well, still fun

2007-07-17T20:15:00.000-05:00

I painted a wood paneled wall behind the framed bowl of fruit that's supposed to be hanging in a castle.... crap.... oh well, no time to change it. Looks cool enough... more of a "hunter's lodge" type theme going on though.... oh well, still fun.

Well, here it is, hanging off the back deck with a bored looking bean:

No, no

2007-07-16T17:47:00.000-05:00

No, no fabuloso here..... had chores, too many, to do first: groceries to get, laundry to load, blah, blah, yuck, yuck, and now it's raining and I'm cranky and I don't feel like cooking dinner, humph. Maybe tomorrow, huh? Yeah maybe.

Weekend work

2007-07-16T11:26:00.000-05:00

Was gone all weekend, working on the "old house", almost ready, parents excited, my arms hurt, legs tired, swear that drill weighs 15 pounds, much more of this and I'm getting a new one, small, cute, hope it's pink. Now back to that mural (adding a painted wall), fabuloso!

Counting steps

2007-07-13T17:52:00.000-05:00

I count my steps several times a day, when doing chores, climbing the stairs, back and forth, back and forth. I always lose count, over and over, but each step is noticed, so able, so quick, so safe. So different from treatment steps, full of fear, pain, dread, so unsurmountable. I remember the year of checking my distance from chair to chair, could I make it? Being unable to cross the yard, unable to leave the car, the bathroom just having to wait. I remember the earth that held me, the weight that pressed me, the stillness that kept me sane. Now back and forth, back and forth, the pantry, the fridge, the kitchen sink, step, step, step, step, so light, so easy. I watch my feet press, push, pull and reach, so mesmerizing. How can it be... so full of magic.

Jigging and jagging

2007-07-12T21:47:00.000-05:00

Danced like my daughter,
out in the front yard,
moving and grooving,
flip flapping my arms.
hopped along gracefully,
soared with a twist,
jigging and jagging
it's all in the wrist.

Let it hang

2007-07-12T16:54:00.000-05:00

It is ze masterpiece! Big, huge, crazy that I did it. Laughingly said "speak to me", and let the pair choose it's colors. The bananas sit either as a bunch of 4 or possibly 6, depending on how you look at them, an unintended surprise. Extra grapes had to be added to connect the floating orange (this was the bean's idea). So the lines aren't straight and the painted frame sags down towards the left, I love it's awkward appearance. A perfect party prop, glossy sweet, such fun relief. Imperfection I can proudly do.

Closet decor

2007-07-11T06:00:00.000-05:00

Got a sheet hanging in the back yard with a big gigantic bowl of fruit painted upon it, by me and the bean. It's not done yet. The basics, the similarities are clear, it's the details that are still missing. It's for an upcoming Harry Potter Party we're attending. This will be the secret entrance into the kitchen. Got a sky to paint later on for a ceiling. I'm excited and I've got to say, yesterday's paint mixing sure stirred up some new inner desires for me. Well, not new, actually well known to me, part of my closet decor, the urge to paint. Collages have been my thing so far. Have my favorite glues, still learning the paper, and love my sleek, little brown pair of scissors, light, sharp, exact. Stamp carving, I've dabbled in that too.... but painting has alluded me so far (it's hard!). But this mural is easy. No biggy, just primed the old sheet and had at it. My kind of thing, for sure. When it's done will I be able to ditch it? The bean says no, says it's perfect, will save it forever, which is what she says about everything, my little virgo collector, hmmm.

Well, I think I'll poor me some coffee and go have a look. Damn life is good.

Post treatment stress disorder (PTrSD)

2007-07-09T20:11:00.000-05:00

Was walking briskly (as I can now do), between one store to the next, with my little bean, when it happened: a short, small, tiny shadow flickered in my peripheral. I stopped cold, near panic sweat beaded on my brow, the hint of a dizzy swoon, too familiar, remained, but slight. No way. I kept walking, slower now, defiant. Into the store, empty cart heavy, more shadows, so faint, still unbelievable. Was I hungry? Kind of, well yes I think so, is this happening? My bean asks if this means the virus is back. No, I chuckle, ha ha ha, residues of the meds maybe, I mumble. I'm wondering wildly, can there be any left? Sensation is gaining, soon this feels real. Wha, wha, wha, what do I do? Swirling swirling, I'm gripping gripping, losing my grip. Whoa! Hey. No, I say sternly, you know what to do: get out of this freakin store, go, leave the cart, get some damn lunch you putz, no need for this! And so we did. And all was fine. My bean fluttery, animated, a bit clingy, but ok. No more shadows, no more panic, no more, thank goodness.

System analysis: Was this a flash back, stirred by symbolic reminders of hurried shopping? The shadows, the flickers, the slight sensations felt so real. Maybe I'm just more sensitive to sugar levels in my system than I was before treatment, maybe even because of treatment. I don't know. But the near panic head dive was PTrSD for sure. Oh yeah.

The one thing missed

2007-07-07T11:35:00.000-05:00

The one and only, the lone perk, the solitary select sweet, the stringy strand of silvery lining that ever so slightly surrounds the dark dismal existence of 48 weeks on treatment, is the impossibility of weight gain. No matter what you ate, mind you nothing ever felt delicious, but still, no matter what, doughnuts noon and night, ice cream all day, nothing could turn into fat, as if it never happened, never absorbed, never swallowed. Yet you did get to swallow, over and over, without concern, completely free. Ahh..... I miss that feeling, not those days (yikes!), just that feeling. It's not there anymore. All gone. The gallon of Death by Chocolate I ate last weekend turned into, can you believe it, 7 pounds and a three day belly ache! Damn it! It just corrupts the whole experience.

Ah well, I bet there is a way to relive that sort of pleasurable ease..... there's just got to be....

Proud talk

2007-07-05T21:15:00.000-05:00

Close to seven days with no wolf. Not a pinch, not a peek. Nothing but solid sleep and sweet dispositions. She's even back to playing in her room when I'm in the shower (thank you sweet universe, thank you, thank you, thank you!) Man, things were getting worrisome there for a while. Huh.... maybe it was the crazy impromptu duke-it-out session we had in the kitchen that morning, 2 to one, the wolf didn't stand a chance; or maybe it was all the extra cuddling, warm and cozy on the couch; or maybe the extra dose of patient ears hovering nonchalantly, available, ready, waiting that did the trick; or maybe it was just simply time.... or, of course, she could totally have another one tonight, back slide into fear, start all over in confusion, cause all this proud talk has completely jinxed it now! Damn it!!! Ah well, I'm ready either way.

Signs of trouble at 4 months

2007-07-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

Me, I'm just fine physically, building nicely, ready for more, ya ya ya... Hubby's good too, responding well to the new vibrance of post treatment life, still showing frequent signs of relief, surprise at the new meals, laughter, action, speed of me. His eyes linger longer upon mine, happy, safe. These four months have been good for us.

I'm afraid it's my little bean that's showing signs of struggle now. She loves the new non-treatment mommy, says so a lot, which is one indication things were tough on her. But the nightmares are becoming more frequent, not less, since treatment's end. Each one basically the same: there's a wolf in our attic, waiting on the stairs, or hiding around the corner; attacks me viciously, sometimes even dragging me off; she desperately fights him, or can't reach me, or clings to me; always she wakes terrified, crying, we hug, hold, then she falls back to sleep on my chest, or in my arms, sweaty, exhausted. The days following are similarly spent, close to me, clinging, afraid to be alone (very new). Barely the bean, she becomes the bee.

What is going on?!?! Without first understanding why, I've been following my gut desires to cradle her, rock her, cuddle and protect. This brings drastic, but short term relief (like 5 mins). There are clues I'm still missing, I just know it. What? What! What? Then two nights ago, the worst of the worst wolves appears, attacks me violently, wildly, she fights and screams herself awake. In my arms, half asleep, she tells of the dream, and says (for the first time) that the wolf always comes just after I get tired and frustrated.... In the morning she omits this part.

"Tired and frustrated?" So easily it rolled from her tongue. Where has she learned that phrase?......... oh yeah..... from me, practiced daily at unbelievable intensities for 48 weeks plus, poisoned tantrums, crying fits, the tornadoes, oh the tornadoes (Damn, damn, damn). I'm so sorry my little bean. I've got ya now, it's gonna be ok.

So at four months, here we are. I've got a lot left to learn. I'm listening. I'm stopping. I'm pausing to watch, to hold, to love and love and love. I figure it may take a while, or no time at all, or years and years. But with no virus I can live that long. It will all be worth it in the end. I promise, my little bean, we're gonna work this one out.

Fourth free

2007-06-29T08:39:00.000-05:00

Moon was looking mighty full last night. Just a day more I think, then it'll be perfect. Forth since treatment's end. Ahhhhhh.......... I love it, love it, lo-o-o-o-ove it. Damn I love that moon.

Go figure

2007-06-28T11:42:00.000-05:00

Just finished the beast off. Closet mayhem all nice, neat, and pretty. Go figure all the wa wa whining just days before. Jeeze what a freak.

I yei yei yei

2007-06-26T16:42:00.000-05:00

I've been building these shelves for the guest room closet for over a week and a half. An experienced person with no children, could have spit them out in a brief afternoon. That is if they had all the right pieces of lumber (which I don't), and knew their way around a circular saw (which I don't), and had about 60 more pounds of muscle to maneuver (ditto don't). Just learned of the lumber problem.... I yei yei yei... that's it, I'm done for the day (this will take another week for sure).

one hour and 45 min later: Tried to start again, now I've lost my little piece of paper with the recalculated measurements. What the hell! How can this be so possible. Such unbelievable performance failures all around me!

My little bee

2007-06-25T22:07:00.000-05:00

I have a little bee
that follows me
always you see
this little bee
day and night with me
no longer free
my quiet me
no stillness be
buzzing full of glee
at my knee
I nourish thee
comfort thee
love more than me
the forever tree
I'll learn to be
more patient see
but hear my plea
just one moment three
my little honey bee
can you be
quiet for me

ps: had a long day today

Ahhhh....

2007-06-24T12:49:00.001-05:00

Ahhhh... finally... a couple of hours to myself lay before me. I've got my white grape fancy drink, the shades pulled perfectly for just the right amount of light, my journal with a pen that definitely works, the phone within reach just in case the hubby and bean need me (which they won't, 'cause I've spent hours setting them up for success), 3 fluffy pillows, the bed made, the ceiling fan on, and my new book right here beside me..... A couple of deep breaths..... and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... sweet heaven here we go, I've got hours to float.....

new book: Way to Paradise, by Mario Vargas Llosa

Rumble tumble blocks in a jumble

2007-06-22T13:45:00.001-05:00

Plans have fallen apart. Sleepover canceled. Plus hubby will be working. Can't have my cake without the icing. Options down, girdled, done. Stiff upper lip and all that jazz. damn. damn. damn. damn. DAMN. Oh well....... oh well oh well oh well oh well. crap.

Alone-work

2007-06-22T06:09:00.000-05:00

Heading towards a sweet heaven relief break, ho ho ho, and just in time too. I can feel it coming, far off, but still there, the bad part, the icky stuff, the stretched out, stressed out, too much piled high stuff. Noooooo thank you. Don't ever want to go back there. Cutting all weekend work plans: (BAM) no old house jobbies, no calendar check offs, no packing, no planning, no cleaning nothing, no more for now. And my bean's going for a sleepover with Gran (the sweet heaven relief icing, my favorite part). I've just got too much alone-work to get done: like holding down the daybed on the screened back porch, losing myself for hours to another good book, sipping on a cool fancy drink in silence, unresponsive, slack jawed, staring at the wind.... ho ho yeah, I've got a lot of staring time to catch up on, been way too long, got to meet my quota or my brain turns to mush. All realizations from treatment I'd soon never forget. Oh, I can feel the breath, the sigh, the decompression already. Saturday afternoon here I come! Ho ho ho, I can make it till then for sure.

(of this mad woman)

2007-06-21T06:56:00.000-05:00

The sufferings of a mad woman can be survived by wonder, the darkness a marvel, the pain a surprise.

3 1/2 mon free tag

2007-06-18T22:43:00.000-05:00

*changed, added, altered 6/20

Tag in the front yard,
just me and the bean,
back and forth crazies,
the fastest ever seen.
Till dark we ran wild,
no chance to catch breath,
light rain kept on falling,
cool relief on our chests.
Sand was the rivers,
I couldn't dare cross,
with butt shaking antics,
my bean was the boss.
Still faster we ran,
till bent over gasping,
our legs burning hard,
true risk of collapsing.
We hobbled to the back door,
drenched full summer's sweat,
laughing sweet stories,
the best ever yet.
But her smile told the biggest tale,
with such brilliant brown eyes,
how happy she is,
there's no treatment inside.

Bagel down

2007-06-15T20:17:00.000-05:00

Eh... the bagels turned out OK..... as dinner rolls, good with butter, fun to make, but not what I had in mind. As usual, the set back set me back, began to second guess my intuition, changed course, went for something different, more of a roasted portobello with garlic/parsley and melted mozzarella, topped with braised spinach, all nestled on toasted sourdough (not a bagel, not jack, not chipotle, not original). Still good... very good really... but I'm gonna have to try again. I can do better. Next time I'll try for a little more trust in myself. Yeah, I think I can do that. (pfuff, can't be as hard as treatment!)

Decadent dreamin'

2007-06-15T09:33:00.000-05:00

Had a dream last night that ended with the supreme feeling that my life was fulfilled; that I could die that very evening happy, satisfied, complete. I don't remember the beginning or most of the middle, but I do remember my last meal. I remember the dark little restaurant, relaxed, cozy, casual, and on my plate was the most wonderful creation: the perfect bagel, topped with sauteed portobello mushrooms (w/onions), a thin slice of melted cheese (I'm guessing a jack), and chopped chipotle peppers packed in adobo sauce. Ho ho ho! Rich, satisfying, could only eat 1/4 of it, eagerly shared another 1/4 with friends, then lovingly packed the rest to carry home. And that's how the dream ended, walking along with my hubby, the best meal ever secure in my hands, thinking life was fulfilled, casually suggesting we get it on later that night, just to really top the day off. Hmmmm.

Found a recipe for bagels this morning, already got some portobelloes in the fridge, gonna give this one a try tonight (toss in a side of action and the night is on!) Ho ho ho!

Such delicious new desires

2007-06-13T09:54:00.000-05:00

Tried yet another new recipe last night, 8th one in two weeks. Each night I long for it, the chase, the plan, the discovery. May double back on past ones, adding more, taking less, building up the desire (my old friend). And why not? Why not play in the kitchen, jig to a beat, read aloud, be my own famous chef, cook only the best health foods I can find, seek out the favorite dish (still unknown for now). Even my daughter likes the new do. So what have I got to lose?

My slate is clean, my taste buds sterilized by treatment, memory clear to build upon. Food, such bitter food, nasty food for 48 weeks and then some. What I could swallow no pleasure. Cooking a chore I deplored to explore. But not now. Not ever again I plan. Give it to me loud, raw, fresh, crisp and spicy. Now it's the texture, the taste, the depth, the surprise, the display, the joy I want, all evening long, to consume, to swallow.

So what's next? Well, tonight I'm gonna add grilled grouper to the Spinach Quesadillas, mix up a little salsa cruda with avocado, pop open a cold Ginger Beer. Ho ho ho! Can't wait to see how it all turns out.

Does this have anything to do with being "clear" at 3 months? :)

*I've added a list of my adventures to the side. Favorite recipe book so far is Vegetarian Suppers from Deborah Madison's Kitchen. No, I'm not a vegetarian, but veggies are my main dish.

This weekend

2007-06-10T19:25:00.000-05:00

The cutting of my finger, the stepping on glass, and an uncertain interpretation of a seemingly judgmental comment from a new acquaintance, all reminded me of Hep C. As did my quiet enjoyment of salty sand, long looks across the horizon, playful decisions for fruity drinks, and the savorings of a delicious book (for hours). Each swing so quickly brings back the ring of Hep C. The silent tone I knew nothing of 2 years ago. So crazy.

Living

2007-06-09T08:14:00.000-05:00

going out of town
for a couple of days
gonna see this
gonna see that
hoping for some living
with the colors of the day
strolling on the beaches of my heaven.

lala Lala lala Lala la la la

2007-06-06T13:52:00.000-05:00

doopy Doopy doopy Doopy do do do.... don't mind me.... do do do do Dooppity do...

Ah... a new life

2007-06-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

Last night: Lost count of the Sun Salutations till I lay sweating on the floor, humming from the inside out, still grinning. Think I can finally fall asleep. Alive I am. I am alive.

This morning: Woke from the most solid, heavy, complete sleep I have ever experienced. Happiness, hopefulness filled me. I know my medical chart will still say "Hep C" until I pass the 6 month check.... but come on! I'm done! I know it now. Solid! And I'm going to live these next 3 months like it's forever and ever. Doubt may strike in bits and pieces, but that's all it's going to get!

Whoo hoo hoo hoo doodlely doo shack a dacka smacka dacka whooplely woo!

ALL CLEAR!!!!!!!!

2007-06-04T20:27:00.000-05:00

*photo deleted*

OH YEAH! OH YEAH!!! OH YEAH!!!! NO VIRUS IN MY BLOOD! NO VIRUS IN MY BLOOD! NO VIRUS! NO VIRUS! NO VIRUS IN MY BLOOD! (dancing in the parking lot, hooting, hollering, like a big o' happy monkey.... ah.... it was great.... here's one of me just grinning)

*photo deleted* (I just needed my anonymity back :)

Nauseous butterflies

2007-06-03T20:05:00.000-05:00

Started preparing 3 hours ago, for the appointment that's tomorrow mid day. Don't want to rush tomorrow morning. No rushing! Will take it easy. Will remember to breathe. Will forget something important I'm sure, but it won't be my wallet that's already packed, and my journal and a good pen, it's ready. Still gotta wrap my mom's present. We're supposed to be celebrating her birthday tomorrow as well. That's if all goes well at the doc. If not, escape plan dictates I pick up my daughter and go home. That's where I will want to be. If all goes good, I'll stay in town and go shopping with my mom, we'll all have a fun dinner to celebrate both our successes and ... it'll be great.

A good start

2007-06-03T08:36:00.000-05:00

Whew! I woke up feeling good. Bouncy. Going around taking big steps on purpose.

(WHAM)

2007-06-02T23:37:00.000-05:00

I was coming in for a jacket. I got my ginger cookies going with some ginger tea. Dude, I had it going on, and then I think, "(Wham) I'm getting my test results on Monday."

Then later I was scooping out some chocolate brownie overload ice cream, grabbing a few more cookies and some more ginger tea, and I think, "(Wham) I'm getting my test results on Monday."

Then later still, I was standing in the front yard, watching the moon, the cool mist, body breathing, arms reaching up on their own, thinking, "3rd moon free!" Then I wondered how long I would be counting moons, could I do it forever? Then I thought, "(Wham) I'm getting my test results on Monday," and I cried and cried and cried a mixture of everything.

ps: ended the fast early late Friday night, decided it just didn't feel right this time, started with raw fruits/veggies as planned, have now moved quickly on to other things.

New rituals

2007-06-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

I like the fancy drinks, the fancy glass, the fancy time, the taste, strong and distinctive, just leave out the alcohol. Poor me a wine glass full of the richest, deepest, most expensive, hard to find, exotic, organic grape juice you can find. No, make it pomegranate. No, Blueberry. Something fun. Maybe add a little Perrier' to the pineapple juice, a twist of lime and few mint leaves, ice, and a cool shade for lounging, laughing, singing to the wind. And for the nights when I want a little spice, how about pouring me a tall frosty glass of ginger beer, it's non-alcoholic with a bite. Yeow! Add a few munchies to munch, a few friends to touch, and the night is long and lusty, ro-busty, full of spinning tales and gallant gales of laughter. There's my new ritual. A lot like before, sans the hangover. Ahhh.... life is good.

I wonder what I should celebrate with on Monday?

Full moon acknowledgment

2007-05-31T20:21:00.000-05:00

Full moon tonight... or is it tomorrow? I can't usually tell. The third since treatment ended, I know that. Exactly 3 lunar months free (give or take a day). Wow... the world is different here. Still recovering but more in the "fine tuning" realm. Out of shape but strong enough to get there.

Been thinking a lot about Monday's doc appointment. I'll be sweating bricks (new modified phrase) as she walks into the room, analyzing her features, her aura, the stars, the moon, the tiny minute particles fluttering in the air between us. Will she be smiling?

I've done everything right, to my utmost ability, no regrets, 48 weeks, super prep before, super survival during, supper happy it was over. Is it over, the virus?

We'll see.

The virus may you be gone forever!!
My Hep C eyes my reward.
I know the meaning of effort and victory.

DON don DON don DON don....

ps: first day of new fast went well, completed the proper 2 day raw veg/fruit diet as prep, plan on just a 3 day fast this time (a simple retuning), will follow up with a 2 day raw diet as well. Feeling good but distracted.

First hurtle fast approaching

2007-05-29T16:23:00.000-05:00

Slow it down
hurry hurry hurry
Slow it down
hurry hurry hurry
Think good thoughts
worry worry worry
Think good thoughts
worry worry worry...

Well it's time for another fast. Time to cleanse. Time to recharge. Time to get grounded, surrounded by here, now, today, not tomorrow, no sorrow, just..... something, anything besides worrying about the damn viral test results.... which is only 5 days, 19 hours, and 7 minutes away. Iyeeiyeeiyeei...

Questions

2007-05-28T19:47:00.000-05:00

Was it worth it
I'm wondering
Those 48 weeks
The broken
Keys jangling
My choices to keep
Each one tells
Of long tales
Empty of regret
Of journeys
And questions
I'll never forget
My smiles she's
Grown deeper
My view stretched by pain
My eyes they
Hold shadows
Protected from rain
I dream of
The right move
My virals all clear
Was it worth it
I don't know
But I'm happy I'm here

*written over a four day period

Testing poison waters

2007-05-27T08:41:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry my body
as I swerve to the sink
water
more water
flush out this horrid drink
Intoxicated for sure now
just a test
just to see
Did I want to go there
No more thanks not for me
A night on the town I had
let it rip
let it swing
But the means once familiar
Too much pain it did bring
I'm up in the night now
with a head full of lead
pounding in circles
more to come I do dread
I'm sorry so sorry
please let me survive
I'll harm you no more
I hear you inside
you're angry
disgusted
rightly so it is true
Our happiness and health
There is more I can do
so forgive that
I ask this
Last time I do pray
can you hold back my hair
then please look away.

*I didn't actually throw up, but I felt like it. My first after treatment beer was at about one month free. I've maybe had a small handful since, spread thinly, usually with a meal, once at a party. I think I'm cool with that. But this night was different, purposeful even. I actually wanted to see if I was "missing out" on anything... weird... but the answer came back loud and clear: "No! You are Not! What a stupid f*ing question! You can party and swing without that liver sting!!" OK. Got it. We're cool.

My eyes

2007-05-25T07:51:00.000-05:00

Hey Hey I forgot to say
Had my eyes checked the other day
No spots
No dots
Every thing's cool
Sat there grinning like a big ol' fool
Hoop pa pa pa Hoop pa pa pa Hoop pa pa

*and I haven't had a visual disturbance in over a month. Bye Bye bad guys :)

Retreat

2007-05-23T01:18:00.000-05:00

back out
bow out
check out
draw back
fall back
move back
pull away
pull back
recall
recede
retire
retreat
seclude
sequester
take back
unsay
my way
for now
breathe
All is well
All is well
All.... is..... well

Hurried days far from home

2007-05-20T19:46:00.000-05:00

In and out
back and forth
up and down
on and off
zoom zoom zoom...
Yet my head never moves
never changes
never slips
forever gripped
on this ship
focused full intent
on June fourth...
Oh will I abort
contort
my path
made of glass
health contrived
Is this virus still alive?
Will I die?
HUH!
Back to work
Up and Down
In and Out
On and Gone
Am I wrong?
Zoom Zoom Zoom...

*gone for days at a time, back and forth to the old house, not an old house, just The house we bought the first year we were married, daughter's first steps, first home, just south of Tally, small bit of acreage. We're onto our second one now, been renting out the first (nightmare almost), and now it's time to sell it to my folks. Complicated but OK. A little overwhelming, but not really. A lot of renovation, my mind's not quite into it yet.... will I be back on meds in two weeks? AH AH Back to Work!

Drawing labs tomorrow

2007-05-17T22:03:00.000-05:00

What if
What if
What if
What if good
What if bad
What if
What if
What if
What if sad
What if glad
What if
What if
What if
What if clear, I will cheer, dance on toes, buy some clothes, touch the sky, up so high, high, high, high, high, high, high, high, high...
And what if back?
(pause)
I will crack
fall
die
down
frown
drown
long before I could rebound.

*appointment for results: June 4th, 11:30am, by myself.

Body says

2007-05-14T09:39:00.000-05:00

Been speed walking and/or running every day. Small bits, longer bits, mostly slow bits. Joints have begun to hurt, and back. This is a different sort of beast than ever before, out of whack, clunky. Body says move to yoga, balance, strength, "recovery" remember. So I bought a book (nearest class 70 miles), began this morning, sun salutations. Thought damn this is hard to learn, but walked away lose and well spent, nice. Recovery, recovery, two and a half months free, what will it be, I can see, it's going to be hard for me. Bring it on!

Me make-up sex

2007-05-12T21:25:00.000-05:00

Whoa-o-o-o
Just thinking about it
Yee-ee-zow
I mean Wa-ow
The l-o-bi-to is back
A year of extreme dormancy seems to have stored UP some heat
I mean Da-amn
Woo
Wow
Oh hoo hoo
Me nice

Recovery

2007-05-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

me alone great
me mom great as well
me teacher huge improvement
me wife..... bumpy at best
intolerant
stubborn I am
past patterns pointless
enabling won't do
life is short, complex, variable at any moment, all moments
will have no ankle chains
will be no ankle chains
we good? we're getting better
me wife stands for potential

Hummdy Dum

2007-05-08T20:16:00.001-05:00

Hummed Drum I'm not thinking
Hummed Drum of my labs
Hummed Drum the sky so pretty
Hummed Drum not yet my abs
Hummed Drum flowers falling
Hummed Drum this is bad
Hummed Drum back to thinking
Hummed Drum of my labs

Days

2007-05-06T20:12:00.000-05:00

Survived a two day head cold, flu, whatever. Wasn't too bad, though I vacillated wildly between post-treatment flashback despair and totally chill "this is nothing". But woke up wonderful, finally, it totally sucked being sick, and went to the beach. Daughter fished a little. Hubby fished all day. I played, strolled, swam, built sandcastles, paddled big yeller (hubby's canoe), laughed, sang, got spooked by stingrays. It was great. Felt beautiful. Even me. All pretty, comfortable in my skin. Arrived home to a letter from the docs, reminding me of my 3 month check, and a lab sheet marked "Hep C Quantasure". Ew. Up for hours, hard to fall asleep. But when I did, I dreamt of running, fast, strong, happy, light for miles. A good sign I think.

The Headache... GONE

2007-05-04T10:14:00.000-05:00

Started my period yesterday and NO migraine!!!! The monthly beast began 5 months into treatment, took two cycles after treatment to end. Whoo Hoo!!

No migraine! No migraine!
Not a bit of migraine!
Not a care,
No pain to bare,
Just a little crampy there.
No migraine! No migraine!
Not a touch of migraine!
The fast a cure,
Cleaned out my turd,
Now I'm singing like a bird.
No migraine! No migraine!
Not a flash of migraine!
No demons ring,
My cycle's clean,
From at least that sort of thing.
No migraine! No migraine!
ok I'll stop :)

added note: this cycle's period also went back to a normal 5-6 day length... since the first cycle on treatment they all lasted 13-14 days... no wonder I was so damn anemic!

Push ups

2007-05-03T09:09:00.000-05:00

Before it was,
13 I could do,
first shot, first pills,
then zero became true,
no more I could rise,
all riddled inside,
no lift, all stiff,
48 weeks I did try,
then on to recovery,
2 months it is taking,
but lo and behold,
13, with no shaking,
last night it all happened,
with a flourish of grace,
a little test of nerve,
sweet steel strength,
could I do it I dove,
one after another,
smooth, strong, and steady,
count loud for the mother,
yeah, I did a dance,
in my undies, all pink,
this chick is back,
each day, it's what I think.

Another flip

2007-04-30T19:54:00.000-05:00

Flipped the calendar today. New month full of open spaces.... except for a certain square, circled with loud black ink, "LABS"........ hu hu hu hu (hyperventilating) wa wa wa wa...... Is that right? Already? But I've been pretending it's all over for so long, I thought it was true. Shouldn't it be true?..... wa wa wa wa..... wooooo... But I'm not "cured" till science says. Pass the needle, peer inside, the 3 month hurtle I'm gonna ride....... Woo..... Ok...... Shit..... Wow...... Alright.... Woo.... I got it.

*actual appointment with doc to receive test results is scheduled for June 4th, 11:30 am, hu hu hu hu...

Mid morning bliss

2007-04-29T09:23:00.000-05:00

First time I've sat alone and did nothing since I started feeling good again.
Watched the wind like an old friend.
Leaves, birds, sound.
Built an early morning campfire in my own back yard.
Zoned, self aware, content, happy.
Wonderful.

R/L: this morning, up with the sun, speed walked and ran 3/4 of a mile, sweaty and chilled by the time the fire was built, perfect.

5th day emergence

2007-04-27T15:11:00.000-05:00

They say..... during a fast you may feel the effects of stored toxins being released from your system, like little mini flashbacks from residual pockets, exposed as culprits, forced out in full glory, headaches, blah, blah, that sort of thing. Well not me, so far, this whole week has been great. Full of energy, active, satisfied with life. Maybe I'm just tough, I thought, or maybe I just hadn't gotten there yet....

Well it started last night. Well actually yesterday, now I see in hindsight, the first sign appeared: I got greasy. I mean greasy, oily, thick, all over. My hair, my skin has been dry, brittle, straw like, itchy since treatment, not now..... all pores, all at once, whoosh (a good sign I had hoped). Then last night... terrible dreams, where my eyes felt glued shut, goopy, uncontrollable, unfocused, spinning wildly in different directions, treatment dreams. Hadn't had one of those for months. Woke this morning to droopy lids, poor vision, and a body that longed to lay flat, alone, in a corner, quiet.

Maybe I just needed to eat, my new found brain fog slurred, but I've been gorging on fresh squeezed juices all week, plenty of electro lights, haven't once felt weakened. Chomped on carrots dipped in dressing for good measure. But that wasn't it, felt wrong, mistaken, like I might be missing the boat, the pinnacle, the message if I stopped too soon. So I sat with a belly ache and observed. A mere shadow of treatment this is, maybe the last. Now Get Out!

Back to juice, a little colon cleanse, a long Epsom Salt bath, and a short sort of nap (daughter's movie ended). And now I'm back, a bit, on track, in tunned, will ride along a little bit longer, then slowly reintroduce solids, gently, with a keen eye towards my favorites (starting tonight, a little).

End of third day

2007-04-25T20:06:00.000-05:00

Good points: gut feels better that it has in a long time. Didn't know how bad it felt till now. Dare I say better than before treatment? OooooooooOOOoooo

Bad Points: cabbage juice, yack, bad idea, that recipe is Not a keeper. Good in egg rolls though..... mmmmm egg rolls......

I think I'll fast one more day, then see about the next :)

Second morning

2007-04-24T08:33:00.000-05:00

so easy breezy it's almost cheesy, spooky but not really, a little discomfort, a little daily decision, nothing compared to treatment. I've fasted before (many years ago), but the deprivation/starvation was 'grueling'..... I must have been a total wimp. And I was certainly uneducated as to the "proper" method of preparation, juicing, cleansing (I'll spare all details) and how to ease off the fast when I am done. I had decided to do just 3 days (no more than 5), but I'll wait to see what I want tomorrow. All about wants these days, desire, satisfaction, satiation. Minute pains along the path are excusable when the rest feels so good. And I do feel good, strong, sickening meds be gone! A year of celebration ahead I've got, to repair the past year of pain I fought! Each step is noted, light as a feather, legs gather strength, bring ON the stormy weather! Do the dance.... jiggidy jiggidy jiggidy do

Fast official

2007-04-22T19:20:00.000-05:00

Home and I'm ready, preparations (happy two days of raw fruit/veggies, even while visiting family) complete, tomorrow begins the real deal juice fast, 5 days I think, will decide tonight, 3 was my first thought, my minimum, to detox my bod, but will remain open, see how it goes, to do a little healing would be nice, let my organs rest, cravings for this have crescendoed along with the unabated food intake, insane, weeks and days of build ups, first hunger in over a year (begun in Arkansas) and I freak, 7 major opportunities/reminders to fast ignored, poor judgment, tons of junk, leaving me bloated, disgusted, full of heartburn, and constipated (nice huh). Ug...... now it's an easy decision.... OK! I get it!!!

Ready

2007-04-20T21:26:00.000-05:00

I'm ready to be home. Ready for quiet, for stillness (of mind), for fasting. No more please. My hair, my hunger, my brain, all out of control. These meds still linger, readjustment skewed, my senses raw. Time to turn off, rest my insides, my brain, my blood. I need to remove, all ick. Now. Can't wait any longer.

Another week of intensity

2007-04-19T16:32:00.000-05:00

What another week I'm having. More family, more travel, here now in P-cola. Short scare with the shingles (my mother in law). Hurried questions for the forum. Repeated calls to the doc. Indecision. Hesitation. Do I worry? Am I broken, susceptible, in danger? No, the doc said, six weeks clear, same risk as the rest..... Wow........ feels good, to be the same again, as anyone else. Been so long....

It really was

2007-04-18T23:45:00.000-05:00

It really was crazy, when I think of it, shuffling across the yard. The pain, the weakness, really unbelievable. I catch myself 3, 4 times a day, thinking wow, look at me. Look at me now, I can do this: stand in a crowd, walk across a parking lot, bounce up stairs, laugh out loud, eat dinner. No tears, no pain, yet my hep C eyes remain. More distant, watchful, acute. Details, desires, faint then harsh, unavoidable, why wouldn't they be. My smile now for a reason.