Gauging potential

7:48 am,
Up having coffee alone.
Hubby's new sick.
Daughter's still sick.
My head is slowly killing me.
Yesterday's errands left me unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unfinished,
Though I sure want to be.
Gifts ordered weeks ago, still haven't arrived.
3 more people still incomplete.
Things could fall apart.
I could still unravel.
Cancel everything,
Visits,
Travel,
Gift giving,
Cheer,
Laughter.
Simply pull myself out.
Ding... Done...
At least I have that.
My exit strategy.
My new found friend.
A gift from treatment, good for all year it seems.
Technique enforced by pain and terror,
Reinforced by public breakdowns, crying children, tired faces.
Yep.
It could happen.
I feel the impact already.
Got to gauge the potential,
Time the jump.
That's how I work now,
With one foot over the edge,
So the fall will be less noticeable,
To limit the stumbling, scraping, clawing that hurts so much,
Better just to jump.
I'll be fine,
Just let me go.