Was walking briskly (as I can now do), between one store to the next, with my little bean, when it happened: a short, small, tiny shadow flickered in my peripheral. I stopped cold, near panic sweat beaded on my brow, the hint of a dizzy swoon, too familiar, remained, but slight. No way. I kept walking, slower now, defiant. Into the store, empty cart heavy, more shadows, so faint, still unbelievable. Was I hungry? Kind of, well yes I think so, is this happening? My bean asks if this means the virus is back. No, I chuckle, ha ha ha, residues of the meds maybe, I mumble. I'm wondering wildly, can there be any left? Sensation is gaining, soon this feels real. Wha, wha, wha, what do I do? Swirling swirling, I'm gripping gripping, losing my grip. Whoa! Hey. No, I say sternly, you know what to do: get out of this freakin store, go, leave the cart, get some damn lunch you putz, no need for this! And so we did. And all was fine. My bean fluttery, animated, a bit clingy, but ok. No more shadows, no more panic, no more, thank goodness.
System analysis: Was this a flash back, stirred by symbolic reminders of hurried shopping? The shadows, the flickers, the slight sensations felt so real. Maybe I'm just more sensitive to sugar levels in my system than I was before treatment, maybe even because of treatment. I don't know. But the near panic head dive was PTrSD for sure. Oh yeah.
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8 comments:
Scary for sure, but you can't let that wolf get to you too!
The impulse to hit the panic button is something we all have to learn how to control. You handled it very well Amp. It's a gentle reminder not to forget what you've learned, but instead to keep developing your self-awareness. No doubt it was a combination of all of that: hunger, heat, your body still regaining it's strength, and triggered associations of all those difficult shopping trips. I think you handled it just right! :)
Hey Ample,
Let it flow through and over you. It will pass, given enough time. I only just this morning (read today's post to see why) realized how much I've been running "what if" scenarios in my head since January... maybe even longer.
I think connecting it with PTSD is totally valid... we're veterans of a whole different kind of war.
When I was on treatment, occasionally, I had little flashes of normalacy (is that how you spell it? why is there no spell check in Blogger?) in the midst of terror and chaos. Now I have little flashes of terror and chaos in the midst of normalacy and these are much easier to control. Yes, it's easy to forget to eat when you don't have to time every meal around pills - I had to buy a strawberry fruit snack at a store check-out today to get me through to lunch, after I realized that it was just hunger, not anthing worse, making me feel a little dizzy - oh, and 93 degrees in the shade at 11:00 a.m.
Hey look it's Chris! Hey Chris! Good to see you! I'll check out the why about the "what ifs" asap. Oooo hope all is well....
QG - yep, all that rolled into one, and that panic button so close I could smell it....
UC - it is actually weird having "normal" discomforts not associated with some terrible poison isn't it. Weird enough to trigger a PTrSD ;)
Hey Hey Chris has got some great news! check it out!
Ms. A- just going to state the obvious- you need to take really good care of yourself now. This means enough sleep, eating when and what you need and not trying to over-do. I know you feel well and are desperately trying to get back to normal, but normal should mean making your continued good health your main priority.
Don't rush recovery.
Amen!
Maybe you have hypoglycemia caused by treatment? It's on the list of "can cause permanent demage". I have had it before treatment in a very mild form, now it's blooming. If I don't eat on time I feel fainting.
Don't forget to eat your carbs, sista
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