Me, I'm just fine physically, building nicely, ready for more, ya ya ya... Hubby's good too, responding well to the new vibrance of post treatment life, still showing frequent signs of relief, surprise at the new meals, laughter, action, speed of me. His eyes linger longer upon mine, happy, safe. These four months have been good for us.
I'm afraid it's my little bean that's showing signs of struggle now. She loves the new non-treatment mommy, says so a lot, which is one indication things were tough on her. But the nightmares are becoming more frequent, not less, since treatment's end. Each one basically the same: there's a wolf in our attic, waiting on the stairs, or hiding around the corner; attacks me viciously, sometimes even dragging me off; she desperately fights him, or can't reach me, or clings to me; always she wakes terrified, crying, we hug, hold, then she falls back to sleep on my chest, or in my arms, sweaty, exhausted. The days following are similarly spent, close to me, clinging, afraid to be alone (very new). Barely the bean, she becomes the bee.
What is going on?!?! Without first understanding why, I've been following my gut desires to cradle her, rock her, cuddle and protect. This brings drastic, but short term relief (like 5 mins). There are clues I'm still missing, I just know it. What? What! What? Then two nights ago, the worst of the worst wolves appears, attacks me violently, wildly, she fights and screams herself awake. In my arms, half asleep, she tells of the dream, and says (for the first time) that the wolf always comes just after I get tired and frustrated.... In the morning she omits this part.
"Tired and frustrated?" So easily it rolled from her tongue. Where has she learned that phrase?......... oh yeah..... from me, practiced daily at unbelievable intensities for 48 weeks plus, poisoned tantrums, crying fits, the tornadoes, oh the tornadoes (Damn, damn, damn). I'm so sorry my little bean. I've got ya now, it's gonna be ok.
So at four months, here we are. I've got a lot left to learn. I'm listening. I'm stopping. I'm pausing to watch, to hold, to love and love and love. I figure it may take a while, or no time at all, or years and years. But with no virus I can live that long. It will all be worth it in the end. I promise, my little bean, we're gonna work this one out.
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14 comments:
you think she might be dreaming of the virus attacking in a way? She knew Mommy was struggling and she loves her Mommy dearly and is afraid for her. Give her lots of hugs and you lots of hugs!!!!
(9 more shots to go for me!)
Robin
I seem to remember her Mom struggling with some nightmares too in the past.
How did you stop the tornadoes?
Juancho: I was editing the post and added "tornadoes, oh the tornadoes" because that's what I called the break downs, but then, once I reposted, I saw your comment which included the old tornado dreams I used to have (funny huh?) - which taught me how to move within dreams and I was able to let the tornado hit me and everything was alright. I tried to talk to the bean about working within dreams, but it was just too scary for a 6 yo. But we did reenact the wolf though and both had a great time beating him senseless in the kitchen (we must have looked hilarious!)
Robin: you maybe right, I hadn't thought about the virus as the wolf. I kind of think the wolf is the riba rage, the treatment, the stuff that dragged mommy off when she got tired and frustrated, the crazies.... :)
On a lighter note:)I hope you're doing well, nine more weeks! It's great when it's done!!!! Big hug to you!
Ms. Ample- I'd say (as the mother of four) that what the Bean is going through is all too normal for the situation. It's probably the very fact that you ARE doing so much better that her fears can now come out, as well as her frustrations. And that whole wolf thing? That is the most primal dream of all. I think all my kids had it. One of my children had night terrors- a completely different situation from regular old nightmares.
Bottom line is that your instincts are right on. Hold her, comfort her, let time pass. As it does, so will her fears.
You have all been through so much and it will have taken its toll, even as healing continues.
These dreams are part of the Bean's healing, I would say.
Ms. Moon
I agree Ms Moon. I'm just glad I'm aware enough to see this all unfold, to help when I can, and that she feels safe enough to express it all now. What an ordeal to go thru. Well, there are good times to come for sure.
ps- primal dream ok.... but why does it always have to attack me?! ("because I can take it, roar!!!!!") :)
Right it's really scary to see someone you love being overtaken and possibly taken away. And the trauma of this is repressed at the time for the purposes of survival...I know that much, but not how to help a child process through their unresolved fear.
So it's good to hear from a mom of 4 that they will heal with time, given that you comfort her when they arise. Maybe you can start coaching her now to understand her dreams, and that its not a wolf really that's scaring her, but remembering those difficult months and all the fear they brought. Maybe that'll help her tap into the fears a bit where she can cry them out in your arms, knowing that everything is safe now.
However, I asked my hubs as he actually is able to relate quite well to kids like your bean, where I don't. He says he thinks it's because she's afraid of it coming back, and that's a little different.
Either way, it sounds like time and comfort is the winner. I'd like to stay posted tho, this is the kind of stuff I'm gonna need to know before too long. Give the bean a hug for me!
Love You!!!
I think she's still fighting the virus, even tho you've stopped. She's taken over your fight, maybe doesn't understand why you stopped - 48 weeks was such a large proportion of her young little life, it became the norm for her. She knew you were ecstatic when you got your 3-month post-treatment results, but I'm sure she doesn't understand the value of a 3-month clear PCR being 95% (or higher) predictive of SVR. Maybe at 6-months, you could have a big bonfire and burn a wolf image?
Sometimes I think that the more energy we give something (wolves?) the bigger they get.
I believe that the human mind is so amazingly creative that it's impossible to know exactly what might be going on in a child's mind and heart, but that having a loving mother and father who will comfort her when these dreams happen, and of course, her mama's continued good health, will slowly ease the wolf away.
It's all a process and takes patience, humor, and loving arms.
I tell ya what, Y'all are cranking up the collective I.Q. of the blogosphere right here.
Juancho might remember when he had a panic attack when he was little, when his white mice had babies. Crying, crying, shaking, unable to name the fear -- until I said, "What are you afraid of!!?" and he said, I don't want the responsibility! I'm just a little boy!" Perhaps bean, too, needs to know that taking care of Mom's wolves is MOM"s job, and Mom will take care of HER.
This is all good stuff, good info, each one of you with a slightly different perspective all saying the same thing: things will be fine, better than fine, just keep loving, listening and enjoy. I'm on it.
you know, I wondered how treatment would effect my family. Turns out some effects are good and some not so good. Alright. OK. Good to know what I'm working with :)
Whew, at least that information is only on the internet and not somewhere where everyone can read it.
Maybe she was holding all the fear inside to help you to fight and now, when you are done she has released it? Let her take it all out. But better will be to ask her doctor about it.
When Sophia was about your bee's age she had same thing, she would wake up with horror, I had to sleep with her. It was not easy, but it went away.
Hugs to your little girl
T.
I think that the wolf was the virus girl....and oh those Tornadoes. I recall tornadoes as change...violent ones come when it is hard...sometimes there are 4 and 5 in my vision, rolling clouds and tremendous amounts of rain. Then there are the ones that come when the sun is shining and the water is calm and all is beautiful and the tornado adds to the beauty of life....oh those tornadoes
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