Because sometimes I am.
But when I'm not, and I know you can tell, I still say I'm OK... or hanging in there... or surviving, because that's what I'm telling myself, to get through the store, to make it standing up, to protect my daughter. That's when my plate is full and I'm near the line, and if I say it, let it slip, that I'm about to fall, its weight will quadruple and shine a reflection so horrific I may not be able to carry it home.
Best to save it for later, for pen and paper, safe from public scenes, shocked faces, sad little girls, do-gooders. It's not dishonesty, lack of trust, or even a desire for privacy; it's survival.
Best to smile at me with quiet eyes
and let me go.
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5 comments:
Good way to put it.
Thanks.... this issue has come up several times from my friends. They want to help and seeing me look terrible must be hard, but wanting me to spill my guts (which is what may happen if I pulled out even one stitch), in a crowded public place, just ain't happening. And I don't want them to be "put off", but if they are, oh well. I'm surviving... we can talk later!
It seems to be the opposite with me in that people think I am doing really well just because I am out cycling and stuff and therefore this tx must be a breeze. I don't think people think just how lucky I am where (physical) sides are concerned.
It isn't a breeze by any means, I work hard mentally and physically to stay healthy in mind and body. It is quite draining mentally sometimes. And I do feel like shouting at them that it isn't easy and I am finding it difficult but hide things very very well. Good job I am so strong I suppose. Also I just don't think anyone who isn't doing or hasn't been on tx could even begin to understand what it is like.
I just keep my mouth shut or I am afraid I may shout at them. For example, my dad knows nothing about my tx and I would never dream of talking to him about it as he would never understand and doesn't listen anyway. He lives about 1 minutes walk away from me and I hardly ever see him these days.
Having said all that though, I am pretty happy with things the way they are as I just think people don't want to hear about it anyway. They have their own problems is how I see it.
I do like to let things out at times and have others no about what I am going through but would much rather do it on here than in person. I just learnt that my Niece printed out the whole of my blog and gave it to my Mum to read. I think that was a wondeful idea and it is nice to know that my family are reading this stuff. It's so much easier touching at a distance so to speak.
Jason
I get both sides a bit... when I'm looking good, others are quick to make plans and hand me plates, like "everything's fine if we just carry on"...
Both versions are tricky and often miss the mark. I've learned to listen to the patient and will hopefully remember that rule forever.
You've said my words. Are you me?
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