The knife caught my finger on the hard down stroke. Just a glancing blow to the finger nail, yet the immediate effect was the same. On the outside, I look totally normal, like a regular healthy person (except for the thinning hair and the periodic appearance of pain - purely med induced). On the inside, I'm forever reminded of the death eating robo virus surging through my veins, selfishly reproducing and searching for fresh hosts. I freeze, fear driven eyes scanning for crimson. I imagine buckets spilling towards my daughter, "Run, don't let it get you!" This time we're safe, none to be seen. Whew.... Automatic drift to what-ifs: toss the green peppers, bleach the knife and cutting board. "Stand back!" I say, "Watch out, it's trying to get you, too!" Should I do that anyway? What if the speck is so tiny I just can't see it? I pause...frozen now with indecision.
Is this what it will be like for the rest of my life? Is this how it should have been before I found out? The liver biopsy estimated 14-20 years of virus hosting. Fourteen to twenty? Was it the appendix surgery at age eight ('78), the tattoo at age 23, or something unforeseeable in between? I hate this road of thought. I always end here...worrying... did I pass it on? please no........ I remind myself, my daughter and husband don't have it. But I bled like a stuck pig during labor, what of the unsuspecting health care providers? I didn't know. I'm sorry. I want everyone tested. I want to know. I want to save the world.
I inspect my finger. Just a smooth sliver of nail missing. Where is it? I toss everything, scrub the knife, board,and counter top, start over with shaking hands. Overly cautious forever.
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2 comments:
Hi Ample,
I can see why you are feeling this way. I too had the virus running loose all around my veins since i was little. Know one new that it was. Not until 20 odd years later. During that 20 years, and the 3 i never new i had HIV, i must of cut myself a thousand times. I was always falling off my BMX and grazing my palms on the graveled surface of my local BMX track. Not to mention all the knife cuts in the kitchen, playing around on building sites. My knees were nearly always in plasters (bain-aids) too. I could've passed it on to anyone. But all these years later, i am the only one with this blood parasite. And i will be the last too. All my family and close friends are all safe, and have been over all those years.
I don't know, this is just my opinion, but your virus is undetectable isn't it? This may make a huge difference to any possibilities of passing it on anyway.
I've been thinking about your posted comment. from what I understand, once a virus is "undetectable" it doesn't necessarily stay that way - right? Then I could have stopped treatment at one month. (wow that would have been sooo easy).. There is so much I just don't get. I have a doc's appointment today, I'll see what I can learn.
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