More time

Bippity boppity, here then there, on again off again, smile and swear, life is so fancy now, eyes do shine, without the hep C, my life more time.

Bean's day of birth

....was spent paddling up the Econfina Creek in my hubby's old yeller canoe (my sweet single sitter Wanona, couldn't come on this trip, no room on the truck, gotta get racks!). Lazily we searched for the flowing springs, so incredible..... except for the trash. Bastard people!! We cleaned up what we could, filled the front of the boat with broken glass, rusty cans, and sundry pieces of people filth. Many long breaths of anger were taken, yet we still had a blast. My little bean showed great bravery, diving 9 feet down into the gaping spring's mouth, over and over. Me, "the swimmer", too irrationally scared to try. The feeling of being grabbed and yanked down by crazed alligators or sharks or undiscovered monsters is just too overwhelming, but not for the bean. She's 7 now, full of muster, strength, and laugher. Hubby and I turned up the speed on the way back down the river. Bean squeals were heard for miles, I am sure. Then she got to practice, my one day paddle partner, she's got potential.

Over all it was great, but the trash pissed her off too. I definitely see a community service project in the making! Love that homeschooling freedom! Happy day of birth my bean. I'm so glad I'm not on treatment anymore.

Crazy

Now it does seem crazy I went through the first 5 months of treatment w/o a blog. Just didn't know much about them back then. But then, I remember hitting that seriously heavy medicated wall and pretty quickly (for being all drugged up) realizing I needed something more if I was going to make it. And lo and behold I found my necessary sustenance from on-line free expression and friends. Go figure. Who knew this blog would become such a clear, set space for me to flow my sudden overfill. Unencumbered by verbal sputterings, time of day or night, ghastly appearance, or even location on the planet, writing and writing and writing gave me light, ease, a chance to breathe. Great friends I have found too, accepting, cheering, mutual, life long. Gotta thank the Hep C Forum for most of that. Thanks Hep C forum. Crazy.

And now it's been a year on the blog. Almost a year and half since starting treatment. Gonna take the blood test next Tuesday, I think. Then I'll travel to San Francisco for a wedding celebration and family vacation. I won't find out the results until my appointment on the 18th. I-yeei-yeei. Then I'll know if it's all over, the Hep C, gone before it ever hurt me. That sounds good. Yeah.

But first I'm gonna celebrate my bean's real day of birth, tomorrow. Much more fun to think about for sure.

August 26th

Began this blog exactly one year ago today. Wow. Crazy.

Party fun

50 some odd helium balloons filled the screened in pool (a bean birthday tradition), pink ribbons hung gracefully like a silent kelp forest over the water, for only seconds. Then splash, leap, jump, crash, swoop, pounce, spring, vault; leaping monkeys filled the air. By mid afternoon: floaty toys floated across the pool deck, water balloon creation was perfected, lofted, and punched, pizza was eaten, watermelon gone, juice, sodas, water bottles littered every surface, and happy birthday was sung over frosted cupcakes. My beaming bean glowed. Man, is she beautiful. Great presents were scored and gushing thank yous were given. Wow...

.... my girl is getting older. So fast this has happened. She's so tall. Made it so far in her young little life. Through her mom's treatment, so brave and helpful, and patient. We couldn't do a birthday party for her last year, I was way, way too sick, just a substitute trip to an amusement park with her daddy and Papa. They did have a blast though! She called me a few times all excited. This year I got to see her laugh though. And I got to spend the evening in the front yard with her, playing with presents, laughing and running myself. Wow...

.... time sure is passing, healing, moving along.

Best run yet

Friday's fun: 9.20 hike from house to trail head, 26.70 mins of sliding, running, slipping, and scrambling up and around "No Name Trail", 8.62 min hike back home. Brilliant, gazelle like, and not nearly as many spiders as I expected. Best run yet.

Friday AM

8:09 is spontaneously mine! Hubby's off with the bean, a day of scalloping before the big important party tomorrow. I couldn't go with, because I still have a few things left to do before tomorrow's said event. It's true: gotta paint the dog bone shaped pinata, put sprinkles on the cakes. Which, all said and done, will take about 1 hour max to complete.

So really.......... I got the day off! BAM! Just like that. We are all happy. Sweet mother of all sweetness, hallelujah (that's a crazy word to spell, isn't it), woo hoo, wonderful. Home alone and I've got no stress about tomorrow, cause the big party's really small and special: just her two best friends and their mom (who is my best friend), and possibly her husband, at my parent's current house with pool, with my parents, and my hubby, and delivered pizza, and cupcakes, and watermelon, and those little orange, cheese and peanut butter crackers, that you can get at the convenience store for just 25 cents, laid out nicely on a platter (my daughter's contribution, her idea of the perfect appetizer, she cracks me up!).

Ah........ easy peasy and home alone before I even needed it. Wow. This is new.

I like it.

Where have I been

Wednesday already
and where have I been
just putting down ducks
in a row my friend
Got the bean's party
the seventh so far
she's walking around big
already the star
And the regular cooking
and cleaning and stuff
just enough busy
to prove I am tough
Still running each day
guess that's really the news
distance I'm reaching
strong body I choose
Got my 6 month C-check
in two weeks time
not even worried
I'm sure I am fine
Just moving ahead
and back and to the sides
in round about circles
enjoying my ride

Old Blue remembers

Just went to set my watch alarm for tomorrow's 6:30am run, my favorite time. Knew as I held Old Blue, that I hadn't set this alarm in a long while, no image came to mind, merely a vague sensation. I even fumbled a bit re-learning the sequences. Beep, beep, beep went the buttons. Finally "ALM 1" flashed, then "8:30 AM OFF" appeared, the last alarm memory, my morning pill time. Immediately my arms filled with jelly, eyes overflowed, still as a statue, I stood staring. Gasping to regain my senses, I quickly beeped, beep, beep: "ALM 2", flash, flash, "8:30 PM OFF", evening pills. Beep, beep, beep: "ALM 3", flash, flash, "6:30 PM OFF" (pause here for reverence.....), this one was my shot alarm. Every Friday evening for 48 weeks, it called me to task, asked for another week's commitment, put the ball in my court.

Ancient history, but did I reset them? No. Not yet. I'll use a different clock for tomorrow.

Fresh melon

A two mile run and fresh melon for breakfast, a near perfect bandaid for the self loathing of yesterday's engorgement. And I'm not just talking about the 5 cookies. There were at least three earlier with my Grandpa, plus the doughnuts (can't forget all those). Oh my gosh, the doughnuts... one after another, till whoosh! I was slipping down that old familiar slide where each swallow becomes something more, something elusive, something wonderful, just out of reach, something almost there, something way better than whatever it is I keep stuffing into my face. And I swallowed until my belly ache pulled me to my feet, still hallow, full only of disgust, disgust for my being, my body, my self-fulfilling prophecy. And just to be sure, last night, I stuffed five more highly processed 'treats' down my empty throat. Ugg.

So the running and the melon, just enough to stanch the bleeding really, to heave me back on track till next time. Unless I can figure it out first, break this familiar chain, so thoroughly passed down through generations, so wonderfully absent during 12 months of treatment. I really thought the slippy slide was gone. Nope. Ah well.

Must balance this trick
just a little bit longer
more conscious must go
till my will she gets stronger
the elusive the wonderful
all real to me now
food so inspiring
not mindlessly chowed
it's a gift it's a joy
to savor and taste
just stay off the slide
far away from the waste
And teach this new lesson
to the bean fresh and new
we feel how we eat
each day it is true.

Fifth cookie break down

I'm seeking something else from food. What is it? And how can I get, whatever it is, without actually eating this calorie ridden food, of which I don't actually want! I'm serious. I'm contemplating the fifth cookie here. And I'm feeling that desire for "something else" sort of thing... some empty sort of hole thing... What is it? What do I actually want here? I'll take it! What?!

Bitchings of a homemaker

24-7
that's how it goes
up with the sun
till sleep breathing blows
Always available
at the drop of a hat
if not things get tricky
how crappy is that
The line it is murky
independence the plan
on she grows upward
to stand in the clan
Then the house
and the hubby
plus the dog
always grubby
With my college degree
and a career in the past
you'd think I'd be sailing
not lashed to the mast
24-7
I think, plan, and run
must balance this act
or my health be undone

I'm getting

that way again:

like a scalp needing to be scrubbed
like a plant thirsty for rain
like a head pounding from hunger
like a pot boiling louder, higher

This happens periodically:

the waste builds
the sunglasses get lost
the third interruption yet again
the wait for the bathroom
the unending stream of dishes, laundry, dinners, dishes, laundry, dinner
the constant and consistent requests for more, can you do... can you do... can you do...

I'm close to blowing:

brow is furrowed
eyes averted
cabinets slammed
long breaths out over and over and over
low growling

One day:

I will catch this sooner
change course faster
take a break two days ago

Yearning

Unfinished poems
scratch lightly my head
bounce and flit hopefully
as I sit up in bed
But first laundry I hold
which later to fold
floors to be sweeping
more sand they keep keeping
and food to collect
prepare and inspect
for my bean is so hungry
hubby's belly's so grumbly
and the clutter is mounting
my steps I am counting
No time left to sit
for a moment to get
the words down
I do frown
yearn
my stomach churns
time
that is mine
lost
at such cost
to life

Good to be off of treatment*

Spent the day impressing the boys: holding ticks, foraging for salamanders, exploring uncharted creek lands, that sort of thing. Good times. Both were 11, one my nephew, one his friend from back home. City boys. Spur of the moment thing: brother in law broke down late last night, along the interstate, just him and the boys, luckily within an hour of us, in his brand new, shiny red, desperate grasp at something or other, I don't know. Sweet looking ride though. Saw it today when I returned the young skater punks. The dad looked tired. Poor shiny red was strapped tightly to the trailer. Always one step away from happiness he is, it's hard to watch. But the boys were great. My bean's still ecstatic.
Yeah. It's good to be off treatment.


*edited, changed, slightly altered yet again

All is well

All is well, back to normal, house is busy, full, plans this week brewing, responsibilities building, hubby-meetings with big wigs, guests arriving tonight, and maybe tomorrow, education eval this Thursday for the bean, at least that one's a breeze, bathrooms still left to clean, sheets too, a grocery run this afternoon, will need to take a shower.... and yet, I'm somehow keeping the "all is well" feeling, weird, a relief, a sure sign I'm not on treatment anymore, and that I just had a solid time off, so healthy to miss my family, feel alone, even lonely, quiet, peaceful, gotta have it.

All alone, miles from pavement

Woke this morning a little disconcerted. Things feel off. Like no one's here, even me. But the dog can see me, I can tell, though he hasn't eaten the morning food I gave him. Am I dreaming? Called my hubby just to hear his voice. Left a message. Holding off calling the bean, too risky, what if I'm right, and I don't exist. Where am I? Am I here? Whoa. Time for more coffee.

3/4 day assessment

Worked goodbyes until noon, finally they were off, me off, for all night. Not just for today, but all night too, till tomorrow morning, all gone, empty, plenty of time, to grow, to move and chill by my self. Whoa. So first the move: vac, mop, mow, compose a poem, and walk, over a mile, within my house, just putting things away. Body burns, mind wonders, with such delicious accomplishments. Now onto chill, all night and into the day, will watch a movie, maybe two, eat some soup, and ramble on, in my head, drifting speed, full speed ahead.

The Octopus*

The octopus,
secure,
warm
against my back,
purred,
a part of me,
pulsating,
happy
to be going home,
eternally grateful,
certain,
safe,
almost asleep.


*dream poem

Quite possibly

Funny what a little fresh juice in the morning will do for ya. And small portions of healthy food, and a steam facial, and some new clothes fresh from the wash, and a cleared off counter, ahhhhh.... feeling better already. And, And, And I may be getting a day off tomorrow, no bean, no hubby, me at home. Yeah maybe, gotta remember the maybe. It's looking like it though, quite possibly. Ho ho ho please....

Have I chilled yet? No.

Have I chilled yet? No.... Have I chilled yet? No.... Am I chillin'? No.

At least it's not med induced

Going through a little low.
Natural though this feels.
One of those times,
when things slow,
lesser glow,
slower flow.
Alright.
Guessing source:
birthday backlash,
workday whiplash,
eaten excess.
Who could know,
maybe all of those.
Time to pull back my sight,
look around,
I know I'm right.
Why do I fight.
I know this drill,
just drop the frill,
release and chill.