New growth spotted

At the river,
tiny spikes covered my arms,
1 mm tall, giants,
holding back the water.
New growth,
strong and straight,
poked past,
little that remains
of hallow curls,
burnt scrags,
(like my head?)
remnants
to be replaced.

Transfixed

Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and had to stay awhile. My husband made a comment about it this morning, but I paid no mind through the fog. Yet now I'm transfixed. Shooting out in all directions, my hair, dried and brittle from medications, crazed punk stripes of skin showing through, wild. Clear expression of state within. Amazing. I touch it; wispy, transparent. I'll remember this look forever. A snap shot of presence. I'll keep it for a while, watch my shadow on the grass.

Inner beauty

Yesterday, I took the big hair chop off. It has been falling by the fistful since the early days of treatment, dry and brittle, exposing my tender scalp to the hot sun and frowned reflections. Found myself thinking far too much about the new look, decided to step in front of the bull and shave it all off. Gasp. A few second thoughts saved me from total disaster, but the effects are still dramatic enough.

'You've done this before', some of you may remind me, twice actually, years ago, 'so big deal'. Well... I thought this time was different. The last two were excessive attempts at a new beginning, final flailing at the bottom of a long rope, smacked of defeat. This time was supposed to be different. Simply ridding myself of a simple distraction. Simple, simple, that's all.

So... when I woke this morning to the shock of an exposed expression, ears... I realized: it's mostly all the same. Once again I was looking for hope, a forced spring, a prettier tomorrow. Yet, this time I think it worked. Sure... now I long for flowing tresses, thick and heavy, but it's better than stressing about the comb-over. It can only grow from here, only 19 more weeks of self injected hair loss. I can justify this one on and on if you like, and if I keep going I'll completely convince myself of deep inner beauty, a hip new sleek do, all the right moves...

For now I just need a neck tan, a relaxing day, and no worries, so I'm cool with it.

Fist full of hair

Not yanked, pulled, or grabbed, just gently falling all around me. My thicker than average mane once topped the charts at 150,000 to be sure. Now? It is amazing, how much can blow away in the breeze with no sign of a struggle. See you next spring...

O'Hair, O'Hair air air
Where will it lead us from here er er er.
All our dreams we held so close.
Seemed to all go up in smoke.
I hate that sadness in your eye yi yi.
O'Hair, Oh oh hair
Where will it lead us from here er er er.

(forgive me Rolling Stones)