Days

Survived a two day head cold, flu, whatever. Wasn't too bad, though I vacillated wildly between post-treatment flashback despair and totally chill "this is nothing". But woke up wonderful, finally, it totally sucked being sick, and went to the beach. Daughter fished a little. Hubby fished all day. I played, strolled, swam, built sandcastles, paddled big yeller (hubby's canoe), laughed, sang, got spooked by stingrays. It was great. Felt beautiful. Even me. All pretty, comfortable in my skin. Arrived home to a letter from the docs, reminding me of my 3 month check, and a lab sheet marked "Hep C Quantasure". Ew. Up for hours, hard to fall asleep. But when I did, I dreamt of running, fast, strong, happy, light for miles. A good sign I think.

5th day emergence

They say..... during a fast you may feel the effects of stored toxins being released from your system, like little mini flashbacks from residual pockets, exposed as culprits, forced out in full glory, headaches, blah, blah, that sort of thing. Well not me, so far, this whole week has been great. Full of energy, active, satisfied with life. Maybe I'm just tough, I thought, or maybe I just hadn't gotten there yet....

Well it started last night. Well actually yesterday, now I see in hindsight, the first sign appeared: I got greasy. I mean greasy, oily, thick, all over. My hair, my skin has been dry, brittle, straw like, itchy since treatment, not now..... all pores, all at once, whoosh (a good sign I had hoped). Then last night... terrible dreams, where my eyes felt glued shut, goopy, uncontrollable, unfocused, spinning wildly in different directions, treatment dreams. Hadn't had one of those for months. Woke this morning to droopy lids, poor vision, and a body that longed to lay flat, alone, in a corner, quiet.

Maybe I just needed to eat, my new found brain fog slurred, but I've been gorging on fresh squeezed juices all week, plenty of electro lights, haven't once felt weakened. Chomped on carrots dipped in dressing for good measure. But that wasn't it, felt wrong, mistaken, like I might be missing the boat, the pinnacle, the message if I stopped too soon. So I sat with a belly ache and observed. A mere shadow of treatment this is, maybe the last. Now Get Out!

Back to juice, a little colon cleanse, a long Epsom Salt bath, and a short sort of nap (daughter's movie ended). And now I'm back, a bit, on track, in tunned, will ride along a little bit longer, then slowly reintroduce solids, gently, with a keen eye towards my favorites (starting tonight, a little).

Night wonders

Dreamt my house was falling in, rain was pouring through the ceilings. It's alright, I said. I love this house (and I meant it), will fix it later, as soon as you all leave. And my skin kept tearing, tissue thin, bleeding. Is there virus there, I wondered?

Dear Jae,

Did I not tell you!
Did I not already tell you!
That I had a dream last night that my daughter found my watch!
I did didn't I! Even wrote it down didn't I! And it just happened! Just like my dream, too! She came running, yelling wildly, "Hey! Hey! I found your watch! I found your watch!” holding it out straight and high.

In my dream I immediately knew it was just a dream, but I liked how happy she looked, so I didn't say anything, just smiled, then I woke up.

But the real thing was crazy. I ripped off my imaginary jersey, screamed like a World Cup champion, dripping wet (having just stepped out of the shower), and punched the air. Not a pretty sight, I assure you. Which might explain the suddenly stunned look on my daughter's face. Yet I grabbed her up and bounced her around anyway. She wasn't quite mortified (she's only six), but it was an early version. Didn't phase me one bit or slow me down. She loosened up after a few rounds, just in time for me to wear out. She had found it at the bottom of her toy box, there since last Friday's partial room clean-up. Can you believe it? I can't believe it! Awesome!

Nine muffin

Finally something nice, lounging in a shallow river, a sensual woman stretches out before me. Smiles, laughter, says her handle is Nine Muffin. She visualizes nine crescent moons, complains it's too masculine. I repeat her words, but I see cup cakes floating near her chest, topped with cherries, so delicious. She likes this. I inhale deeply and wake happy, content, first in a long time.

Six to seven

Daughter ignored her fever and spun late to Lotus. My muscles twitched in memory, but not enough to move. Eyes closed for good an hour before lift off. Dreamt of blind spots, hospital curtains and pink plastic dildos. Walked 100 yds, maybe two, this morning. Returned a marathoner, jellied legs and winded. Shower and a nap setting me straight.

3 nights of house dreams:

Always lots of people arriving, socializing.
Start and finish in the living room; clear view of outside porch, pool, beach.
House is either Victorian wood frame, tall and eventually on fire,
Or made of glass, low, modern and full of water.
I'm inside, then out, then in...
Each time there is an 'after' story of what remains.
I am curious, patient, open.
Usually I wake before the object/subject is revealed.

This morning I stayed. The house was made of glass, sleek, clear. Viewing its history, flashes of flood unfold. Now, I am listening to unfamiliar guests hinting of a big man's death and of the little dog's survival. The pooch swam in circles, they say, patiently paddling for days, through these flooded rooms, floating debris and he survived. He's right here, look, small and scruffy. Shoulder injured from the constant exertion, but all fixed up now, healing nicely, they say.

He's beside me, looking out through the glass wall, silent eyes full of experience, calm, present.

Vacation Journal 4 of 8

Wednesday morning, 9/27/06

Dream works

Series of stuck dreams last night: stuck in waist deep mud, stuck in glue, falling building, dangerous weather, crowded sleeping arrangements. All scenarios were filled with weakness, confusion, fear, limited success. Till the final scene: darkened beach, wet salty air, crouching in the shadows listening to instructions. This is to be a special ops training (were the others too?). My mentor was also to be my attacker. He was to use all means possible to stop me, debilitate me, break me, he explained. Then suddenly the game began. I was confused, fearful, weak. Then I saw the raft. My husband stepping ashore, holding the rope line, the raft rocking innocently in the black surf. This was my target and I suddenly realized, if I made it to the boat, all of the games would end. No more pain, it would all be over, for sure. I'd float gently to safety.

My attacker raged against me, struck, clung to me. I couldn't get separated. If I threw him aside, he'd spring back refreshed. I watched the boat, had to touch it. Sudden fierce strength filled my bones, raised my form and gripped his strangled body high above my head. I ran towards the the shore. If I could get close enough, I could fling him aside and lunge for the boat. Husband watching, other forms observing along the beach. They couldn't assist me now, but they won't interfere. I'm getting closer and feeling stronger. There will be split second timing, minuscule chance of easy success and I'm fully committed. So close. He desperately strikes at my heart, I feel warm liquid, but no pain. I am determined. I see the boat.

Needless to say, I'm home today. Just me and the dog. I'm going to float along gently without all the struggle.

Dreams they chase me

The theme is the same: eyes dry and stuck shut, body staggering uncontrollably, mind disoriented and fearful. Since the beginning of treatment, these dreams have reoccurred. Different details, location, role plays, but always the same struggle. I fight to stand upright, stumble in forced blindness. I hear clear sounds of others around me. I pretend to be normal, social, to buy time (I want to stay), but I'm getting rapidly worse. I know they are waiting for me, just let me hide for a little while. My body feels drugged from an unknown source. I don't know how long this will last.

This time I make it to a mirror. I strain to raise my eye lids, one then the other. They feel glued and burn with irritation. Suddenly, I see my clear and unmistakable reflection. My eyes are discolored with white film, the left tilting hard to the upper right, the right pointing off to the lower left. I blink, desperate to control their direction. I stagger back to the bed and sink into sleep. The fight is drained from me, the others will just have to understand, I can't get up just yet.

speed, strength, running naked

there was a river trip. the kind with wild white water and canyon cliffs. several rafts held friends, my husband and child. the sky was brilliant blue. we stopped for lunch and a nap on the sandstone rocks. I felt tall, strong.... maybe I'll go for a run. dressed in running gear I step off. running down this old, ancient clay highway. strange trees, palms, and ferns lined the edge. people moving slowly, carrying large loads, walking on sandaled feet. I run, strong, feeling the wind and the ground beneath me. up the next hill then back again to my sleeping family. all peaceful, content. run again. now I'm naked, barefoot, tanned and weathered. heavy white toga draped loosely over right shoulder, billowing with the speed. I am strong, fast, light and smooth. I pass travelers. there are other runners. we smile as we pass. easily dodge an old man with a heavy load. up the hill then back again. stronger, faster, every muscle burning with pleasure, lungs filled with warm dusty air...... then.... consciousness moving towards pain and weakness, my body crushing under the heavy burden of treatment.....noooooo run again, hold on to the highway..... I wake.