6:30pm Watch chimes during the drive home. I let it go, listen, grin, lingering over the button before I press.
7:11 Groceries are put away. Shot is warming beside me. Potty break.
7:18 All washed up. Slapping way.
7:27 Finally kicked my hubby out, all personal crisis about work stuff. Hello! I'm having a moment here! He's gone now. Back to slapping.
7:29 I need something to drink.
7:30 Back to slapping.
7:31 Prepping the needle. Slap, slap, slap.
7:32 This is it... slap, slap, slap.
7:35 Pinch, point, pace around.
7:36 Starting to cry. Breathe, breathe, slap, slap, slap.
7:38 Done... 48 shots, all done. I'm done. I did it! I finished treatment!!! Heavy crying, blind heaving, wall clinging.
7:46 Calm. Surprisingly calm. Taller I think, too.
Showing posts with label 12 month of Tx. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 12 month of Tx. Show all posts
Friday, March 02, 2007
Brilliant, beautiful, new
Woke to the last day at midnight.
Heavy storms drove us down stairs for a short while.
Then this morning, sun breaking through, everything wet, scoured, bright.
Daughter cheering the end of treatment with her first breath.
Presents declaring "completion" drive me to tears.
I've made it.
Coffee time and I must shield myself from wasteful conversation.
No negativity today from yesterday about tomorrow, quiet, I'm channeling this moment.
Then watch time chimes for my last three pills.
I watch the box.
I hold them.
Then in my mouth, I caress them and swallow.
One more shot tonight, the final.
But for me, the end has already begun, brilliant, beautiful, new.
Heavy storms drove us down stairs for a short while.
Then this morning, sun breaking through, everything wet, scoured, bright.
Daughter cheering the end of treatment with her first breath.
Presents declaring "completion" drive me to tears.
I've made it.
Coffee time and I must shield myself from wasteful conversation.
No negativity today from yesterday about tomorrow, quiet, I'm channeling this moment.
Then watch time chimes for my last three pills.
I watch the box.
I hold them.
Then in my mouth, I caress them and swallow.
One more shot tonight, the final.
But for me, the end has already begun, brilliant, beautiful, new.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
The first goodbye
Thursday evening, going to bed, agreeing to say goodbye to the last before the last of 48 weeks.
Tomorrow will be the final.
I am here.
The end,
from the beginning,
is here.
Tomorrow will be the final.
I am here.
The end,
from the beginning,
is here.
Patience
But of course this is hard,
I'm a lioness on fire,
To be still and grounded,
When so full of desire.
Wanting to sprint it,
Race the last course,
Break from the pack,
Leap with full force.
Of course this is hard,
Such movement's still pain,
Held back by limitations,
Speed never gained.
Must allow myself patience,
Direct strength free of sorrow,
The end will come sooner,
If I float through tomorrow.
I'm a lioness on fire,
To be still and grounded,
When so full of desire.
Wanting to sprint it,
Race the last course,
Break from the pack,
Leap with full force.
Of course this is hard,
Such movement's still pain,
Held back by limitations,
Speed never gained.
Must allow myself patience,
Direct strength free of sorrow,
The end will come sooner,
If I float through tomorrow.
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