Post treatment stress disorder (PTrSD)

Was walking briskly (as I can now do), between one store to the next, with my little bean, when it happened: a short, small, tiny shadow flickered in my peripheral. I stopped cold, near panic sweat beaded on my brow, the hint of a dizzy swoon, too familiar, remained, but slight. No way. I kept walking, slower now, defiant. Into the store, empty cart heavy, more shadows, so faint, still unbelievable. Was I hungry? Kind of, well yes I think so, is this happening? My bean asks if this means the virus is back. No, I chuckle, ha ha ha, residues of the meds maybe, I mumble. I'm wondering wildly, can there be any left? Sensation is gaining, soon this feels real. Wha, wha, wha, what do I do? Swirling swirling, I'm gripping gripping, losing my grip. Whoa! Hey. No, I say sternly, you know what to do: get out of this freakin store, go, leave the cart, get some damn lunch you putz, no need for this! And so we did. And all was fine. My bean fluttery, animated, a bit clingy, but ok. No more shadows, no more panic, no more, thank goodness.

System analysis: Was this a flash back, stirred by symbolic reminders of hurried shopping? The shadows, the flickers, the slight sensations felt so real. Maybe I'm just more sensitive to sugar levels in my system than I was before treatment, maybe even because of treatment. I don't know. But the near panic head dive was PTrSD for sure. Oh yeah.

My eyes

Hey Hey I forgot to say
Had my eyes checked the other day
No spots
No dots
Every thing's cool
Sat there grinning like a big ol' fool
Hoop pa pa pa Hoop pa pa pa Hoop pa pa


*and I haven't had a visual disturbance in over a month. Bye Bye bad guys :)

Bitch, bitch, moan

My head hurts,
all day today,
and I seem to have lost the ability to multi task.
Maybe it's a skill and not just a talent I thought I had.
Maybe I'll have to work it back into place.
I can plan the steps, the timing (that returned about a week ago), but I lose my place.... walk away with the bagel in the toaster, wet clothes sit in the wash...
and the visuals are still here. Hit me once while packing, then again at the festival. I was hungry both times (but not tired).
Wonder if that will go away.
Man my head hurts.

Saturday morning inclusion

Daughter gave me the morning drill: eggs for breakfast, and cereal, then put the leotard on under her clothes. She reminds me twice NOT to yell "bravo" across the gymnasium when she does something particularly great and no flash photography. Got it. 8:45 am, arrived early enough for the tour. Here's her cubby, the locker room, the water fountain. That's her coach. We sit here till they call the class. Stretches are first (her least favorite part). Hopefully they will do the trampoline today. They did.

Such an early morning start up for a Saturday, yet here I am... Catching up.... on what my daughter has been doing for the last three months. She waves and smiles a lot. I watch from the edge of my seat, through flashing eyes and swirling vision, but that's ok, more water and a safe seat, I pull it off nicely. An hour later, she's back at her cubby, grabbing shoes and saying goodbye to friends. She glows.

Then on to my parent's house for a visit and a drop off (for a one night sleep over). I'm exhausted.
2nd non-post-injection Saturday.
Still tired.
Still recovering.
Still happy to go home, sit for awhile, stare at the grass, watch the wind.

Post treatment warning label

should read: don't expect the moon, instant recoveries, or patient children.

Still tired, easily lit on fire, and my head still hurts..... searching to find the improvements (I know it's only been 4 days), have come up with two: no more pulse-pace swooshing in my head (I know I've already mentioned this one, but it's a biggie, deserves repeat), and no more visual disturbances, flashing lights, or spotty blackouts (not since last Friday). So that's good.

But when will I get an energetic day? That's what my daughter would like to know. I've explained the uncertain logistics, but honestly I'm struggling with impatience as well. Typical. More of my perpetual drill: stay realistic, stay realistic, stay realistic...

Still better than treatment! Oh Yeah! Way better! Hands down! No contest! Just still kind of the same though....

ps. (7 hours later) scratch the "no more visual disturbances" off the list, got some doozies in the store today. I was tired, hungry, all the usual lead-ins, then hello.... damn.... lower my expectations, lower my expectations, lower my expectations....

Cautious

Good news, eyes aren't any worse than they were. Doc said things are looking fine, gave the go ahead to finish treatment. Happy for my eyes, mixed feelings for the rest of me. Strange stirrings within. Want to be done with this poison. Seven more weeks is beginning to feel longer than expected. Miles long, reaching well over the horizon. Yet the calendar speaks of possibilities, "I'll be done with treatment then". Cautious. Tomorrow's unknown quantity, quality, speed, how will it be?

Visual play

My very own aurora held me to the side of the road for more than a few minutes. 3 visual disturbances today, usually no more than one. First, over coffee, steam rose softly within my eyes. Then later with the grocery cart, pushing pushing, peripheral picture tube flickered in and out. Just need to keep going, look normal, don't fall down or look at people, it's upsetting when you can't see their face.

Then finally driving home,
Shuttering movements, pretty colors,
New it would pass,
Nicely if I sat,
Chillin on the side of the road.

Swwweerrrrr...poooooou

Took a long deep breath this evening. Hoping to escape for a little while. Everyone's gotta do it. Good for you. Sure I've got two problems going on in my eyes. One not so big. The swirly blinking blackness is just a migraine without the pain. I can deal with that. Hope it goes away after treatment. The other deserves a pause. A long deep breath to cool the nerves. Swwweerrrrrrr... poooooou. Another white dot, actually two, have appeared on the back of my left eye. Is it the precursor of retinal lift off? Is it no big deal, most likely to go away after treatment, long before any detachment even considers being formed? More appointments scheduled. They're going to hold my hand through the rest of treatment. Actually gave me the pause-look and asked the question, how much longer do you have go? Three months I stammered, well actually one week less than three months, I couldn't remember the numbers. How many weeks left? I'm not stopping now. Fluttery flight inhales. No, he says, lets go for it. Something about weighing the odds when I'm this close. Yeah. I've only got three more months, well actually one week less than three months. Dude. It's only one eye, what can happen in three months time? Swwweerrrrr.....pooooooooou. I love my eyes.

Dropped and switched

Called the eye doc this morning. They went all flippy flip about the flashing blackness. Tried to put off the appointment till Monday. Hubby had a cow. Now all things dropped and switched. Will arrive at 3:45 this afternoon for dilation and inspection. Totally inconvenient for everyone. I'm sure it's nothing.

Eyeball (eyeball, eyeball, eyeball)

Needless to say, I passed out around 7:30 last night. Zoom, zoom, zoom, crash. Dreamt of yellow leaves and men in dresses. Woke this morning to another good day. Hubby chauffeured us around this afternoon, dropping me by the eye doc's and standing in as super parent at the home school group. The appointment took an hour, routine checks for treatment patients led to photographs of a new "white dot" on the back of my left eyeball (eyeball... I love that word). Number codes for "long term medication" riddle my file. Back in two months to compare. I'm not worried. Don't have excess energy to waste on such vague threats. Everything is cool. It's pushing 7:30 once again and I'm crashing nicely.