New rituals

I like the fancy drinks, the fancy glass, the fancy time, the taste, strong and distinctive, just leave out the alcohol. Poor me a wine glass full of the richest, deepest, most expensive, hard to find, exotic, organic grape juice you can find. No, make it pomegranate. No, Blueberry. Something fun. Maybe add a little Perrier' to the pineapple juice, a twist of lime and few mint leaves, ice, and a cool shade for lounging, laughing, singing to the wind. And for the nights when I want a little spice, how about pouring me a tall frosty glass of ginger beer, it's non-alcoholic with a bite. Yeow! Add a few munchies to munch, a few friends to touch, and the night is long and lusty, ro-busty, full of spinning tales and gallant gales of laughter. There's my new ritual. A lot like before, sans the hangover. Ahhh.... life is good.

I wonder what I should celebrate with on Monday?

Testing poison waters

I'm so sorry my body
as I swerve to the sink
water
more water
flush out this horrid drink
Intoxicated for sure now
just a test
just to see
Did I want to go there
No more thanks not for me
A night on the town I had
let it rip
let it swing
But the means once familiar
Too much pain it did bring
I'm up in the night now
with a head full of lead
pounding in circles
more to come I do dread
I'm sorry so sorry
please let me survive
I'll harm you no more
I hear you inside
you're angry
disgusted
rightly so it is true
Our happiness and health
There is more I can do
so forgive that
I ask this
Last time I do pray
can you hold back my hair
then please look away.

*I didn't actually throw up, but I felt like it. My first after treatment beer was at about one month free. I've maybe had a small handful since, spread thinly, usually with a meal, once at a party. I think I'm cool with that. But this night was different, purposeful even. I actually wanted to see if I was "missing out" on anything... weird... but the answer came back loud and clear: "No! You are Not! What a stupid f*ing question! You can party and swing without that liver sting!!" OK. Got it. We're cool.

Something delicious

Thinking of celebratory Champagne has triggered nostalgics and concern. I can't quite remember my last drink, not because of high number rounds leading to lampshades, but because I didn't know it was to be my last. It must have been a beer though, as I'm sure we were in Arkansas (the first vacation) and that's all we had. It may have been on our 10th anniversary, that seems possible, but I'm not sure. A year ago, almost exactly.

I had been struggling against the Hep C news, dragging out my acceptance for three long weeks, still "allowing" myself "a" beer or glass of wine, every day or so; deep denial, fingernails clawing at the river bank. Then something switched during the night and I was done, the last had past. Haven't had a drop, splash, swizzle since. Haven't wanted one, not really.... well, I've tasted on a few very rare occasions (tempted by a good red wine), but the divine turns to poison in the back of my throat, anti-freeze is what it feels like; my liver cries out like a baby, it needs protection, love, gentle care, back you vicious beast!

So, I'm looking ahead, to the final day... the last injection followed by 6 days of last pills... how will I celebrate? I know I'll cry, but will I have a drink in my left hand? What kind? Will it still taste of poison? Suddenly I'm transported to the potential hangover... that scares me now, I'm done with headaches, pain. Way done. I don't ever want to be sick, even slightly! So will I have that one? Come on, I'm sure I will, but I'll go for quality, not quantity. Something delicious, fruity, robust... humm. Not Champagne, no.... I'll have to think on this one... or maybe I'll just dance around, all wild, crazed with relief, techno belly dancing... for hours... (don't need one for the other).

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM, BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM...