monsters in the hall

I'm out in the yard, my daughter inside (potty break), she yells for help, shrill staccato. Sounds of terror rush to my feet. I leap, run, jump, fly, "Where are you? I'm coming!" Find her huddled on the toilet, sounds of monsters in the hall still ringing in her ears. She's safe. My breath catches in my chest, eyes swim with dizzy distortion. We hold each other, smile. I may pass out, yet now I know I can still do it. I had wondered, worried the weakness from treatment had made its way to the mama bear adrenaline source. Could I still carry her for miles, running crazy with speed through the dark forest to safety? Could I protect her from the evil intruder with superhero strength? Could I lift her to safety, while hanging one handed from a mile high cliff? Could I scale a burning building and pull her from its deadly fire? Yep. I'll die afterwards, consumed with chemical pain and fatigue, but "afterwards" is just fine. I still strong baby.

crusher

Today my head pounds to a different beat. my eyes hang half open.

To let this move on
Move through and over
Must be a miracle
To be and not be crushed
To smile with wisdom of greater days
To believe like you know
Fade into the surrounding lushness
Surrender to greater plains

Officially I have Tylenol (no more than 4 a day) and water, lots of refreshing water, as my arsenal against pain. Enough for most days - not enough for today. Inhale, hold, exhale: lessen the nausea, lighten the mood, broaden the picture, the perspective...ahh the mighty perspective, my most important ally. Wings that fly, view that lifts and separates. Just a small touch, not a blast. The pain is still present, the head still pounds, yet all is manageable.

birthday reflection

Yesterday started off wonderfully. My daughter's 6th birthday! I got up early, brought fresh coffee upstairs to supplement the package ripping present extravaganza. Smiles and laughter. warm hugs and kisses. She's so strong and healthy, beautiful and smart. I'm so proud of her. breakfast, cake making, food packing followed - a day at the beach planned and in prep..... too much activity - dizziness, pain, I crumple in a chair and try to look peaceful. This is a happy day - I will not crumble! fishing is planned and it looks like I'm being excluded "just me and daddy..."ok, probably best".... husband sees my state, steps in and takes over. Then I'm back in (so the dog can come... hummm ok). Sound is becoming painful, can I do this? Inhale, hold, exhale, things look brighter, broader, and in greater perspective. Mood lightens and we gather together.

The day is good, down to a St Marks hide-away. gorgeous... yet the resident bug population appears to have been starving before our arrival. a long walk back to the car. We sing songs of bugs and poo and laugh the steps away. I'm tired, not sleepy, just confused and weak. It's ok, look peaceful and content. The evening is filled with cake, ice cream, and friends. By 8:30 I'm reaching for my head and bidding what I hope is a graceful good night.

speed, strength, running naked

there was a river trip. the kind with wild white water and canyon cliffs. several rafts held friends, my husband and child. the sky was brilliant blue. we stopped for lunch and a nap on the sandstone rocks. I felt tall, strong.... maybe I'll go for a run. dressed in running gear I step off. running down this old, ancient clay highway. strange trees, palms, and ferns lined the edge. people moving slowly, carrying large loads, walking on sandaled feet. I run, strong, feeling the wind and the ground beneath me. up the next hill then back again to my sleeping family. all peaceful, content. run again. now I'm naked, barefoot, tanned and weathered. heavy white toga draped loosely over right shoulder, billowing with the speed. I am strong, fast, light and smooth. I pass travelers. there are other runners. we smile as we pass. easily dodge an old man with a heavy load. up the hill then back again. stronger, faster, every muscle burning with pleasure, lungs filled with warm dusty air...... then.... consciousness moving towards pain and weakness, my body crushing under the heavy burden of treatment.....noooooo run again, hold on to the highway..... I wake.

hep C that's me

It happened one year ago next Tues. The first blip. An unexpected call from the nurse annoucing a refferral to a specialist. What? two weeks later, the dreaded test result in hand with code words "HCV" and "positive". What? No, that's not right. This was just a follow-up test because of a silly little inconsequential slightly high liver enzyme result that I had successfully ignored and put off for nearly 3 years. more tests. different tests. Two months later I admit. I concede. I crash. OK. I have hepatitis C. What's that? research...

Five months now into treatment. Many decisions every day. I have good moments and bad days. Sometimes I forget happiness. my face contorted and my body twisted with pain and weakness. AARRRGGGGGGG! Pick up the log and throw it! Feel the weight, the strain and push it way.... But the very worst are always right next to a new lesson. Gigantic realizations and my body eases into the pain and releases the fight. Ahh... it's going to be alright. I can do this. A new perspective and a notch on the wall.

The good moments are great. Vivid. clear. wind on my face. cool water around me. laughter inside my cheeks. shared confidences. touch of skin. dreams. dance music on the car radio. So wonderful. I strive for them. Make plans for them and keep learning. Prioritize. Do only what matters most. Check in with yourself - how are you feeling? is this OK ? Balance behind the eight ball and keep an eye on the edge. Do just enough and you'll be happy, others will be happy. Greater chance of a good moment. Isn't that what we all want anyway?

I had no symptoms before, but only an estimated 14 years till major liver trouble. Nope. Do this once and do it right. Mental state is as powerful as the drugs. One month into a 12 month sentence my viral load dropped to undetectable. From 11,700,000 to <10. Yeah Baby. Now I'm almost halfway. Keep going..... I'm going to win this and if not, it won't be for lack of trying. I surrender to all abilities to be great.

Am I really writing this

I shared blood with someone. When I do not know. But I have proof. I have Hepatitis C.

It's the only way it could have happened. The only. And how many times do we share blood? How often does that happen? I can't remember any times in particular. I search and find maybes. My daughter nor my husband have it. I will never know how I got it.

Knowledge is a small piece of life. It's more like what-we-want mixed in with what-we-get. What we're gonna get is a complete mystery. No way of knowing. It's totally fluid. So does what-we-want become influential in our story? Then lets go for something great! It's trickier than it sounds.

So far I like my story: big blind-sided crashes of the human spirit mixed in with moments of pure awareness. It's led me to a pretty nice place.