Thursday, January 04, 2007

Stone in my belly

Dreamt of my first love. We were at a play date. Two other good friends were present, our children the same age. Another woman was there that we didn't know. Then in he walked, my first love. The other woman was his ex-partner, the child was his. One of my friends shared an 'oh no' look with me. I avoided his glances, then turned to face him, surprisingly wonderful, familiar, safe. We talked, catching up, smiling. I felt proud of him, standing there so strong, healthy, vibrant, happy. I wanted to touch him, hold him. Then I remembered my Hep C. He didn't know. I struggled. Sadness began to overtake my movements. I longed for purity, innocence. We met afterwards, at his home, my daughter played in the background. I didn't want to tell him, tarnish him, lose his handsome smile. My chest hurt, my hands shook. I knew I should. What if he has it, not knowing, as I did only a year ago? Tell him, I tired, lips urging me forward, longing to kiss his face, gently. I woke with a heavy stone in my belly. Not sure how to find him, somewhere in Montana, but I will try.

5 comments:

Not Blank said...

Wow! I wonder if he dreamt of you at the same time? I wonder whether, if you had told him in the dream and he was dreaming the same dream, would he have known?
Well, I think you know what you want to do, what you feel you have to do. Thanks to the internet, people aren't that hard to find anymore. Let me know how it goes.

Ample said...

damn... that would have been a hell of a lot easier! Did some searching, but I haven't found him yet, think I found his mom.... maybe tomorrow I'll call... yeee, I'm scared... rather avoid, but feel responsible (we were wild back then). I would want to know.... right?.....yeeee...

Not Blank said...

How's it going today? If you can find his Mom, you can find him. Yes, you would want to know, if he had found out first, you'd have wanted him to tell you.
Stay strong!

TeaStarWitch said...

Ample, are you unhappy? Maybe that's why you are looking for your first love? I had this impulse to let my ex-boyfriend know what I have, but then realised I just wanted to talk with him. SO I did not.

Ample said...

no... it's more like coming to terms with my own sense of innocence... and my fear of "passing this on". I've possibly had this since the age of 8, he came in contact (risky teenage relationship for 4 years).... and what does that mean? possible infection? What is my responsibility? Change the terms to HIV.... seems clearer some how. My hubby understands (easier for him to say do it though... he doesn't have to do it). We'll see.