Full moon acknowledgment

Full moon tonight... or is it tomorrow? I can't usually tell. The third since treatment ended, I know that. Exactly 3 lunar months free (give or take a day). Wow... the world is different here. Still recovering but more in the "fine tuning" realm. Out of shape but strong enough to get there.

Been thinking a lot about Monday's doc appointment. I'll be sweating bricks (new modified phrase) as she walks into the room, analyzing her features, her aura, the stars, the moon, the tiny minute particles fluttering in the air between us. Will she be smiling?

I've done everything right, to my utmost ability, no regrets, 48 weeks, super prep before, super survival during, supper happy it was over. Is it over, the virus?

We'll see.

The virus may you be gone forever!!
My Hep C eyes my reward.
I know the meaning of effort and victory.

DON don DON don DON don....


ps: first day of new fast went well, completed the proper 2 day raw veg/fruit diet as prep, plan on just a 3 day fast this time (a simple retuning), will follow up with a 2 day raw diet as well. Feeling good but distracted.

First hurtle fast approaching

Slow it down
hurry hurry hurry
Slow it down
hurry hurry hurry
Think good thoughts
worry worry worry
Think good thoughts
worry worry worry...

Well it's time for another fast. Time to cleanse. Time to recharge. Time to get grounded, surrounded by here, now, today, not tomorrow, no sorrow, just..... something, anything besides worrying about the damn viral test results.... which is only 5 days, 19 hours, and 7 minutes away. Iyeeiyeeiyeei...

Questions

Was it worth it
I'm wondering
Those 48 weeks
The broken
Keys jangling
My choices to keep
Each one tells
Of long tales
Empty of regret
Of journeys
And questions
I'll never forget
My smiles she's
Grown deeper
My view stretched by pain
My eyes they
Hold shadows
Protected from rain
I dream of
The right move
My virals all clear
Was it worth it
I don't know
But I'm happy I'm here

*written over a four day period

Testing poison waters

I'm so sorry my body
as I swerve to the sink
water
more water
flush out this horrid drink
Intoxicated for sure now
just a test
just to see
Did I want to go there
No more thanks not for me
A night on the town I had
let it rip
let it swing
But the means once familiar
Too much pain it did bring
I'm up in the night now
with a head full of lead
pounding in circles
more to come I do dread
I'm sorry so sorry
please let me survive
I'll harm you no more
I hear you inside
you're angry
disgusted
rightly so it is true
Our happiness and health
There is more I can do
so forgive that
I ask this
Last time I do pray
can you hold back my hair
then please look away.

*I didn't actually throw up, but I felt like it. My first after treatment beer was at about one month free. I've maybe had a small handful since, spread thinly, usually with a meal, once at a party. I think I'm cool with that. But this night was different, purposeful even. I actually wanted to see if I was "missing out" on anything... weird... but the answer came back loud and clear: "No! You are Not! What a stupid f*ing question! You can party and swing without that liver sting!!" OK. Got it. We're cool.

My eyes

Hey Hey I forgot to say
Had my eyes checked the other day
No spots
No dots
Every thing's cool
Sat there grinning like a big ol' fool
Hoop pa pa pa Hoop pa pa pa Hoop pa pa


*and I haven't had a visual disturbance in over a month. Bye Bye bad guys :)

Retreat

back out
bow out
check out
draw back
fall back
move back
pull away
pull back
recall
recede
retire
retreat
seclude
sequester
take back
unsay
my way
for now
breathe
All is well
All is well
All.... is..... well

Hurried days far from home

In and out
back and forth
up and down
on and off
zoom zoom zoom...
Yet my head never moves
never changes
never slips
forever gripped
on this ship
focused full intent
on June fourth...
Oh will I abort
contort
my path
made of glass
health contrived
Is this virus still alive?
Will I die?
HUH!
Back to work
Up and Down
In and Out
On and Gone
Am I wrong?
Zoom Zoom Zoom...

*gone for days at a time, back and forth to the old house, not an old house, just The house we bought the first year we were married, daughter's first steps, first home, just south of Tally, small bit of acreage. We're onto our second one now, been renting out the first (nightmare almost), and now it's time to sell it to my folks. Complicated but OK. A little overwhelming, but not really. A lot of renovation, my mind's not quite into it yet.... will I be back on meds in two weeks? AH AH Back to Work!

Drawing labs tomorrow

What if
What if
What if
What if good
What if bad
What if
What if
What if
What if sad
What if glad
What if
What if
What if
What if clear, I will cheer, dance on toes, buy some clothes, touch the sky, up so high, high, high, high, high, high, high, high, high...
And what if back?
(pause)
I will crack
fall
die
down
frown
drown
long before I could rebound.

*appointment for results: June 4th, 11:30am, by myself.

Body says

Been speed walking and/or running every day. Small bits, longer bits, mostly slow bits. Joints have begun to hurt, and back. This is a different sort of beast than ever before, out of whack, clunky. Body says move to yoga, balance, strength, "recovery" remember. So I bought a book (nearest class 70 miles), began this morning, sun salutations. Thought damn this is hard to learn, but walked away lose and well spent, nice. Recovery, recovery, two and a half months free, what will it be, I can see, it's going to be hard for me. Bring it on!

Me make-up sex

Whoa-o-o-o
Just thinking about it
Yee-ee-zow
I mean Wa-ow
The l-o-bi-to is back
A year of extreme dormancy seems to have stored UP some heat
I mean Da-amn
Woo
Wow
Oh hoo hoo
Me nice

Recovery

me alone great
me mom great as well
me teacher huge improvement
me wife..... bumpy at best
intolerant
stubborn I am
past patterns pointless
enabling won't do
life is short, complex, variable at any moment, all moments
will have no ankle chains
will be no ankle chains
we good? we're getting better
me wife stands for potential

Hummdy Dum

Hummed Drum I'm not thinking
Hummed Drum of my labs
Hummed Drum the sky so pretty
Hummed Drum not yet my abs
Hummed Drum flowers falling
Hummed Drum this is bad
Hummed Drum back to thinking
Hummed Drum of my labs

Days

Survived a two day head cold, flu, whatever. Wasn't too bad, though I vacillated wildly between post-treatment flashback despair and totally chill "this is nothing". But woke up wonderful, finally, it totally sucked being sick, and went to the beach. Daughter fished a little. Hubby fished all day. I played, strolled, swam, built sandcastles, paddled big yeller (hubby's canoe), laughed, sang, got spooked by stingrays. It was great. Felt beautiful. Even me. All pretty, comfortable in my skin. Arrived home to a letter from the docs, reminding me of my 3 month check, and a lab sheet marked "Hep C Quantasure". Ew. Up for hours, hard to fall asleep. But when I did, I dreamt of running, fast, strong, happy, light for miles. A good sign I think.

The Headache... GONE

Started my period yesterday and NO migraine!!!! The monthly beast began 5 months into treatment, took two cycles after treatment to end. Whoo Hoo!!

No migraine! No migraine!
Not a bit of migraine!
Not a care,
No pain to bare,
Just a little crampy there.
No migraine! No migraine!
Not a touch of migraine!
The fast a cure,
Cleaned out my turd,
Now I'm singing like a bird.
No migraine! No migraine!
Not a flash of migraine!
No demons ring,
My cycle's clean,
From at least that sort of thing.
No migraine! No migraine!
ok I'll stop :)

added note: this cycle's period also went back to a normal 5-6 day length... since the first cycle on treatment they all lasted 13-14 days... no wonder I was so damn anemic!

Push ups

Before it was,
13 I could do,
first shot, first pills,
then zero became true,
no more I could rise,
all riddled inside,
no lift, all stiff,
48 weeks I did try,
then on to recovery,
2 months it is taking,
but lo and behold,
13, with no shaking,
last night it all happened,
with a flourish of grace,
a little test of nerve,
sweet steel strength,
could I do it I dove,
one after another,
smooth, strong, and steady,
count loud for the mother,
yeah, I did a dance,
in my undies, all pink,
this chick is back,
each day, it's what I think.