SVR

I'M CLEAR!!!

I'M CLEAR! I'M CLEAR! I AM CLEAR!!!!!!! Un-De-Tect-Able!! BAM BAM BAM!! I'm clear. No more virus to be found, never to hurt me or slow me down in the least bit ever. Totally by surprise! I retested just three days ago! Was totally unprepared. Thought I had a week at least to chill. Then BAM!!!! Whooooo Hoooooooo! Holey Crap. Holey @#%@#$ Crap. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. W-ow-ow-ow! Whew! Holey #$%@. Totally by surprise.

Well sort of, you see, I was out doing work stuff with my daughter at the new office building (totally separate story, so anyway) I get home and there's a message on the phone. Two actually. The first, my best friend, asking me to call her if I get home before 5:30. It's 4:40. I think: cool. Then there's this next message. And first there's a long long pause, I began to think it's a hangup, then ta-da! There's my doc's voice: Hi, [Ample]. This is [the doc]. Please call me. I have results for you. (blah blah number number). You'll be happy.

Holey Crap! Right? It's only been three days. How can this be??? Do I call her? Do I call my friend? Can I do this? First I check on my daughter, I even tell her the doc message deal, but she's watching TV, totally distracted, says she's hungry. OK. I grab her the left over cantaloupe. Then it starts to rain and I remember my windows are down. I stop to go do that. More little things, over and over, up and down, back and forth, phone in hand, never ready to dial the number.

And it's the doc's cell phone number, can you believe that? She's off of work on Friday afternoons, yet here she is, on my answering machine saying she has the results.... and that I can call her. Should I call her? Holey crap. I think I am going to throw up.

4:51, phone in hand. I'm shaky, can't sit down, can't stand up, can't hardly breathe. Stomach hurts. Face keeps contorting with waves of fierce tears. I grimace, then relax, grimace, then relax.

4:53, OK, I'll dial..... yep...... Grimace, OK, grimace, OK..... ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring (forever!)

doc: Hello?

me: Hi [doc], this is [Ample].

doc: Something, something, was hoping it was you. Something good news. Something test results. Your virus is undetectable. Something, something about how amazing it was to get the test results back in just three days and how she's never seen that before. Something, something. You are a free woman. Congratulations.

me: Ok. Wow. Thank you.

I think that's pretty much all I could blubber out. Not so silent tears were rushing much faster than I had anticipated. Much deeper in belly source. Quick goodbyes were initiated by both, then I stood on the back porch and whoosh..... made it to the chair and let myself dive, head first, more and more I wanted to feel it, say it, believe it: I am clear. I cursed and laughed, then cried and sobbed, and shook and rocked and rocked and wailed something new. Then in walks my bean, my wonderful bean.

She jumped and hugged, and cheered and laughed, and moved on, as did everyone else, so quickly. And the earth kept spinning. And the clouds parted in spectacular ways. And the colors brightened. And I kept throwing out the trash in my head, over and over, small moments, so I could be here, present. I want this, nothing else. What a great time. To be here. And free. And SVR.

I'm SVR. Holey crap. I really am. Really.