Another flip

Flipped the calendar today. New month full of open spaces.... except for a certain square, circled with loud black ink, "LABS"........ hu hu hu hu (hyperventilating) wa wa wa wa...... Is that right? Already? But I've been pretending it's all over for so long, I thought it was true. Shouldn't it be true?..... wa wa wa wa..... wooooo... But I'm not "cured" till science says. Pass the needle, peer inside, the 3 month hurtle I'm gonna ride....... Woo..... Ok...... Shit..... Wow...... Alright.... Woo.... I got it.

*actual appointment with doc to receive test results is scheduled for June 4th, 11:30 am, hu hu hu hu...

Mid morning bliss

First time I've sat alone and did nothing since I started feeling good again.
Watched the wind like an old friend.
Leaves, birds, sound.
Built an early morning campfire in my own back yard.
Zoned, self aware, content, happy.
Wonderful.


R/L: this morning, up with the sun, speed walked and ran 3/4 of a mile, sweaty and chilled by the time the fire was built, perfect.

5th day emergence

They say..... during a fast you may feel the effects of stored toxins being released from your system, like little mini flashbacks from residual pockets, exposed as culprits, forced out in full glory, headaches, blah, blah, that sort of thing. Well not me, so far, this whole week has been great. Full of energy, active, satisfied with life. Maybe I'm just tough, I thought, or maybe I just hadn't gotten there yet....

Well it started last night. Well actually yesterday, now I see in hindsight, the first sign appeared: I got greasy. I mean greasy, oily, thick, all over. My hair, my skin has been dry, brittle, straw like, itchy since treatment, not now..... all pores, all at once, whoosh (a good sign I had hoped). Then last night... terrible dreams, where my eyes felt glued shut, goopy, uncontrollable, unfocused, spinning wildly in different directions, treatment dreams. Hadn't had one of those for months. Woke this morning to droopy lids, poor vision, and a body that longed to lay flat, alone, in a corner, quiet.

Maybe I just needed to eat, my new found brain fog slurred, but I've been gorging on fresh squeezed juices all week, plenty of electro lights, haven't once felt weakened. Chomped on carrots dipped in dressing for good measure. But that wasn't it, felt wrong, mistaken, like I might be missing the boat, the pinnacle, the message if I stopped too soon. So I sat with a belly ache and observed. A mere shadow of treatment this is, maybe the last. Now Get Out!

Back to juice, a little colon cleanse, a long Epsom Salt bath, and a short sort of nap (daughter's movie ended). And now I'm back, a bit, on track, in tunned, will ride along a little bit longer, then slowly reintroduce solids, gently, with a keen eye towards my favorites (starting tonight, a little).

End of third day

Good points: gut feels better that it has in a long time. Didn't know how bad it felt till now. Dare I say better than before treatment? OooooooooOOOoooo

Bad Points: cabbage juice, yack, bad idea, that recipe is Not a keeper. Good in egg rolls though..... mmmmm egg rolls......


I think I'll fast one more day, then see about the next :)

Second morning

so easy breezy it's almost cheesy, spooky but not really, a little discomfort, a little daily decision, nothing compared to treatment. I've fasted before (many years ago), but the deprivation/starvation was 'grueling'..... I must have been a total wimp. And I was certainly uneducated as to the "proper" method of preparation, juicing, cleansing (I'll spare all details) and how to ease off the fast when I am done. I had decided to do just 3 days (no more than 5), but I'll wait to see what I want tomorrow. All about wants these days, desire, satisfaction, satiation. Minute pains along the path are excusable when the rest feels so good. And I do feel good, strong, sickening meds be gone! A year of celebration ahead I've got, to repair the past year of pain I fought! Each step is noted, light as a feather, legs gather strength, bring ON the stormy weather! Do the dance.... jiggidy jiggidy jiggidy do

Fast official

Home and I'm ready, preparations (happy two days of raw fruit/veggies, even while visiting family) complete, tomorrow begins the real deal juice fast, 5 days I think, will decide tonight, 3 was my first thought, my minimum, to detox my bod, but will remain open, see how it goes, to do a little healing would be nice, let my organs rest, cravings for this have crescendoed along with the unabated food intake, insane, weeks and days of build ups, first hunger in over a year (begun in Arkansas) and I freak, 7 major opportunities/reminders to fast ignored, poor judgment, tons of junk, leaving me bloated, disgusted, full of heartburn, and constipated (nice huh). Ug...... now it's an easy decision.... OK! I get it!!!

Ready

I'm ready to be home. Ready for quiet, for stillness (of mind), for fasting. No more please. My hair, my hunger, my brain, all out of control. These meds still linger, readjustment skewed, my senses raw. Time to turn off, rest my insides, my brain, my blood. I need to remove, all ick. Now. Can't wait any longer.

Another week of intensity

What another week I'm having. More family, more travel, here now in P-cola. Short scare with the shingles (my mother in law). Hurried questions for the forum. Repeated calls to the doc. Indecision. Hesitation. Do I worry? Am I broken, susceptible, in danger? No, the doc said, six weeks clear, same risk as the rest..... Wow........ feels good, to be the same again, as anyone else. Been so long....

It really was

It really was crazy, when I think of it, shuffling across the yard. The pain, the weakness, really unbelievable. I catch myself 3, 4 times a day, thinking wow, look at me. Look at me now, I can do this: stand in a crowd, walk across a parking lot, bounce up stairs, laugh out loud, eat dinner. No tears, no pain, yet my hep C eyes remain. More distant, watchful, acute. Details, desires, faint then harsh, unavoidable, why wouldn't they be. My smile now for a reason.

Ready set go

pound pound pound pound
hands full, jeans tight
pound pound pound pound
catching up, even-steven
pound pound pound pound
pouring it on, laughter high
pound pound pound pound
passing close, disbelief
pound pound pound pound
first in line, all the way
pound pound pound pound
jump jump jump jump
scream, hug, faces lit
legs jelly, wobble, burn


R/L: this race, 40 yards, against my daughter, two later attempts she creams me by a mile.

I'm back

I'm back, back, back, back, back, so back.
Back in so many ways in fact!
Charging forward full of twitch,
I itch and itch to move this bitch,
to carry,
to stretch,
to test my load,
my limit,
push past so fast, new growth unfolds
drive forward, speed up, pick up and haul,
complete the steps, burn it up yall,
build up tall from my feet, what a week,
what a week, full of cheek,
and I seek tomorrow.

The week of steps, the journey back

4/9/07, Monday's journal gripes: My joints hurt, A LOT, like I've sprained my ankle, but I don't remember falling. Up and down I've hiked, from the car, to the tent (this was actually a long way and completely vertical!), from the tent, to the car, final settings to the tarp, collecting food, supplies, crazy creek, work gloves..... We're here to start a cabin, hot and heavy in the dreaming phase, lots of fun. But it's been a while since I've trekked anywhere past the bathroom. Here looking for a fast recovery, jonesing for strength, struggling with desperation, not sure how this will go....

4/10/07, Tuesday: surprisingly bouncy, strong, strange lack of structural pain, suspicious.

4/11/07, Wednesday: Made it to the top without stopping! Trip record (for me)! My average still stands at 3 - 4 bend overs, tree leans, chest clutches, head poundings, near pass-out breaks per assent. But the line has been crossed, now I've made it non-stop. All by simply adjusting my speed, down, to a steady chest pound, thud-thud, thud-thud.... tiny steps, mere momentum, inner focus, burning desire.

4/12/07, Thursday: Donned my pack, full and heavy, 3 trips up, to move camp to cabin site, urge to do it followed, accepted, challenged, non-stop, very slow, proud, strong, steady... Discovered a few gifts of treatment today: the ability to slow down, watch the leaves, the wind, with contentment, to consciously choose patience, to maintain, sustain, celebrate my body.

4/14/07, Saturday: (Morning) Woke early wanting to walk, in Pensacola, chased early from Arkansas by weather. The hike I missed, muscles twitched, pushing pulling forward. So I go, through neighborhoods, step and step, past sleeping neighbors...

(Afternoon) First Bike Ride:
With nephew
Daughter
Borrowed bike
fast
smooth
joy
up high
lean hard
to the left
bump, little jump
laugh, swerve
around the curve
back again
round the bend
lets go again
I'm back my friend!

4/15/07, Sunday: Running log - 200 yards, back at home, daughter can walk as fast as I can run, extremely fun.

Out

Out for days,
off to play,
in Arkansas,
to find my peace,
wear some fleece,
and have a little fun...

Awakenings

Suddenly sick with my surroundings,
Furrowed face, chest a pounding,
Mad at my awakening (from meds),
Rotten anger in my head,
Life the same old,
Game old...
Too full of not wants,
Suffocating ills, taunting taunts,
Twisted anger, drop it...
Let it drip, off of me,
No longer good enough I see,
To scratch the words,
What do I want,
To splash the picture,
Upon the rock,
I will be greater days,
Now sing, mumble, sway away,
Dance the jig while in the fire,
To a new beginning I will expire.


RL: 6. (4/5/07) miles of speed walking, pulling 52 lbs of daughter from store to store to store, brilliant, blue, laughter, fun.

No time for poems

My list keeps growing,
full for the next few days,
shapes and lines to follow,
matching patterns to connect,
mark efficiency,
Things to finish before we go,
Things to finish so we can go,
to Arkansas,
three days of lists,
thick,
heavy,
jumbled,
whose priorities?
some are mine,
but not for me,
no time for poems,
no time to float,
wander, to stare today,
only lists,
purchase,
packing,
school,
laundry,
no poems,
no favorites,
no time today.


RL: 5. (4/3/07, yesterday) 60 yds to curve in the road, inspired but sore

One month

Paused to look at the moon tonight,
one month out,
one month free,
what an amazing place to be.


RL: 4. (4/2/07) 50 yds to tree, same laughter, same speed, same 2nd place.

Pushing past the molasses

3rd Running Log (RL): 60 yds from tree to tree, raced my daughter, full on speed same as slow (petal to the metal, nothing), still bouncing with laughter. She loved it, won by a mile.

Reminded me of walking on meds: open throttle, slow shuffle, thick molasses, no change, ever. Only now the speed limit has doubled (maybe tripled) to a gentle jog and I'm laughing (big difference). So this is one month free. Alright.