Fourth free

Moon was looking mighty full last night. Just a day more I think, then it'll be perfect. Forth since treatment's end. Ahhhhhh.......... I love it, love it, lo-o-o-o-ove it. Damn I love that moon.

Go figure

Just finished the beast off. Closet mayhem all nice, neat, and pretty. Go figure all the wa wa whining just days before. Jeeze what a freak.

I yei yei yei

I've been building these shelves for the guest room closet for over a week and a half. An experienced person with no children, could have spit them out in a brief afternoon. That is if they had all the right pieces of lumber (which I don't), and knew their way around a circular saw (which I don't), and had about 60 more pounds of muscle to maneuver (ditto don't). Just learned of the lumber problem.... I yei yei yei... that's it, I'm done for the day (this will take another week for sure).

one hour and 45 min later: Tried to start again, now I've lost my little piece of paper with the recalculated measurements. What the hell! How can this be so possible. Such unbelievable performance failures all around me!

My little bee

I have a little bee
that follows me
always you see
this little bee
day and night with me
no longer free
my quiet me
no stillness be
buzzing full of glee
at my knee
I nourish thee
comfort thee
love more than me
the forever tree
I'll learn to be
more patient see
but hear my plea
just one moment three
my little honey bee
can you be
quiet for me

ps: had a long day today

Ahhhh....

Ahhhh... finally... a couple of hours to myself lay before me. I've got my white grape fancy drink, the shades pulled perfectly for just the right amount of light, my journal with a pen that definitely works, the phone within reach just in case the hubby and bean need me (which they won't, 'cause I've spent hours setting them up for success), 3 fluffy pillows, the bed made, the ceiling fan on, and my new book right here beside me..... A couple of deep breaths..... and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... sweet heaven here we go, I've got hours to float.....

new book: Way to Paradise, by Mario Vargas Llosa

Rumble tumble blocks in a jumble

Plans have fallen apart. Sleepover canceled. Plus hubby will be working. Can't have my cake without the icing. Options down, girdled, done. Stiff upper lip and all that jazz. damn. damn. damn. damn. DAMN. Oh well....... oh well oh well oh well oh well. crap.

Alone-work

Heading towards a sweet heaven relief break, ho ho ho, and just in time too. I can feel it coming, far off, but still there, the bad part, the icky stuff, the stretched out, stressed out, too much piled high stuff. Noooooo thank you. Don't ever want to go back there. Cutting all weekend work plans: (BAM) no old house jobbies, no calendar check offs, no packing, no planning, no cleaning nothing, no more for now. And my bean's going for a sleepover with Gran (the sweet heaven relief icing, my favorite part). I've just got too much alone-work to get done: like holding down the daybed on the screened back porch, losing myself for hours to another good book, sipping on a cool fancy drink in silence, unresponsive, slack jawed, staring at the wind.... ho ho yeah, I've got a lot of staring time to catch up on, been way too long, got to meet my quota or my brain turns to mush. All realizations from treatment I'd soon never forget. Oh, I can feel the breath, the sigh, the decompression already. Saturday afternoon here I come! Ho ho ho, I can make it till then for sure.

(of this mad woman)

The sufferings of a mad woman can be survived by wonder, the darkness a marvel, the pain a surprise.

3 1/2 mon free tag

*changed, added, altered 6/20

Tag in the front yard,
just me and the bean,
back and forth crazies,
the fastest ever seen.
Till dark we ran wild,
no chance to catch breath,
light rain kept on falling,
cool relief on our chests.
Sand was the rivers,
I couldn't dare cross,
with butt shaking antics,
my bean was the boss.
Still faster we ran,
till bent over gasping,
our legs burning hard,
true risk of collapsing.
We hobbled to the back door,
drenched full summer's sweat,
laughing sweet stories,
the best ever yet.
But her smile told the biggest tale,
with such brilliant brown eyes,
how happy she is,
there's no treatment inside.

Bagel down

Eh... the bagels turned out OK..... as dinner rolls, good with butter, fun to make, but not what I had in mind. As usual, the set back set me back, began to second guess my intuition, changed course, went for something different, more of a roasted portobello with garlic/parsley and melted mozzarella, topped with braised spinach, all nestled on toasted sourdough (not a bagel, not jack, not chipotle, not original). Still good... very good really... but I'm gonna have to try again. I can do better. Next time I'll try for a little more trust in myself. Yeah, I think I can do that. (pfuff, can't be as hard as treatment!)

Decadent dreamin'

Had a dream last night that ended with the supreme feeling that my life was fulfilled; that I could die that very evening happy, satisfied, complete. I don't remember the beginning or most of the middle, but I do remember my last meal. I remember the dark little restaurant, relaxed, cozy, casual, and on my plate was the most wonderful creation: the perfect bagel, topped with sauteed portobello mushrooms (w/onions), a thin slice of melted cheese (I'm guessing a jack), and chopped chipotle peppers packed in adobo sauce. Ho ho ho! Rich, satisfying, could only eat 1/4 of it, eagerly shared another 1/4 with friends, then lovingly packed the rest to carry home. And that's how the dream ended, walking along with my hubby, the best meal ever secure in my hands, thinking life was fulfilled, casually suggesting we get it on later that night, just to really top the day off. Hmmmm.

Found a recipe for bagels this morning, already got some portobelloes in the fridge, gonna give this one a try tonight (toss in a side of action and the night is on!) Ho ho ho!

Such delicious new desires

Tried yet another new recipe last night, 8th one in two weeks. Each night I long for it, the chase, the plan, the discovery. May double back on past ones, adding more, taking less, building up the desire (my old friend). And why not? Why not play in the kitchen, jig to a beat, read aloud, be my own famous chef, cook only the best health foods I can find, seek out the favorite dish (still unknown for now). Even my daughter likes the new do. So what have I got to lose?

My slate is clean, my taste buds sterilized by treatment, memory clear to build upon. Food, such bitter food, nasty food for 48 weeks and then some. What I could swallow no pleasure. Cooking a chore I deplored to explore. But not now. Not ever again I plan. Give it to me loud, raw, fresh, crisp and spicy. Now it's the texture, the taste, the depth, the surprise, the display, the joy I want, all evening long, to consume, to swallow.

So what's next? Well, tonight I'm gonna add grilled grouper to the Spinach Quesadillas, mix up a little salsa cruda with avocado, pop open a cold Ginger Beer. Ho ho ho! Can't wait to see how it all turns out.

Does this have anything to do with being "clear" at 3 months? :)

*I've added a list of my adventures to the side. Favorite recipe book so far is Vegetarian Suppers from Deborah Madison's Kitchen. No, I'm not a vegetarian, but veggies are my main dish.

This weekend

The cutting of my finger, the stepping on glass, and an uncertain interpretation of a seemingly judgmental comment from a new acquaintance, all reminded me of Hep C. As did my quiet enjoyment of salty sand, long looks across the horizon, playful decisions for fruity drinks, and the savorings of a delicious book (for hours). Each swing so quickly brings back the ring of Hep C. The silent tone I knew nothing of 2 years ago. So crazy.

Living

going out of town
for a couple of days
gonna see this
gonna see that
hoping for some living
with the colors of the day
strolling on the beaches of my heaven.

lala Lala lala Lala la la la

doopy Doopy doopy Doopy do do do.... don't mind me.... do do do do Dooppity do...

Ah... a new life

Last night: Lost count of the Sun Salutations till I lay sweating on the floor, humming from the inside out, still grinning. Think I can finally fall asleep. Alive I am. I am alive.

This morning: Woke from the most solid, heavy, complete sleep I have ever experienced. Happiness, hopefulness filled me. I know my medical chart will still say "Hep C" until I pass the 6 month check.... but come on! I'm done! I know it now. Solid! And I'm going to live these next 3 months like it's forever and ever. Doubt may strike in bits and pieces, but that's all it's going to get!

Whoo hoo hoo hoo doodlely doo shack a dacka smacka dacka whooplely woo!

ALL CLEAR!!!!!!!!

*photo deleted*

OH YEAH! OH YEAH!!! OH YEAH!!!! NO VIRUS IN MY BLOOD! NO VIRUS IN MY BLOOD! NO VIRUS! NO VIRUS! NO VIRUS IN MY BLOOD! (dancing in the parking lot, hooting, hollering, like a big o' happy monkey.... ah.... it was great.... here's one of me just grinning)

*photo deleted* (I just needed my anonymity back :)

Nauseous butterflies

Started preparing 3 hours ago, for the appointment that's tomorrow mid day. Don't want to rush tomorrow morning. No rushing! Will take it easy. Will remember to breathe. Will forget something important I'm sure, but it won't be my wallet that's already packed, and my journal and a good pen, it's ready. Still gotta wrap my mom's present. We're supposed to be celebrating her birthday tomorrow as well. That's if all goes well at the doc. If not, escape plan dictates I pick up my daughter and go home. That's where I will want to be. If all goes good, I'll stay in town and go shopping with my mom, we'll all have a fun dinner to celebrate both our successes and ... it'll be great.

A good start

Whew! I woke up feeling good. Bouncy. Going around taking big steps on purpose.

(WHAM)

I was coming in for a jacket. I got my ginger cookies going with some ginger tea. Dude, I had it going on, and then I think, "(Wham) I'm getting my test results on Monday."

Then later I was scooping out some chocolate brownie overload ice cream, grabbing a few more cookies and some more ginger tea, and I think, "(Wham) I'm getting my test results on Monday."

Then later still, I was standing in the front yard, watching the moon, the cool mist, body breathing, arms reaching up on their own, thinking, "3rd moon free!" Then I wondered how long I would be counting moons, could I do it forever? Then I thought, "(Wham) I'm getting my test results on Monday," and I cried and cried and cried a mixture of everything.


ps: ended the fast early late Friday night, decided it just didn't feel right this time, started with raw fruits/veggies as planned, have now moved quickly on to other things.

New rituals

I like the fancy drinks, the fancy glass, the fancy time, the taste, strong and distinctive, just leave out the alcohol. Poor me a wine glass full of the richest, deepest, most expensive, hard to find, exotic, organic grape juice you can find. No, make it pomegranate. No, Blueberry. Something fun. Maybe add a little Perrier' to the pineapple juice, a twist of lime and few mint leaves, ice, and a cool shade for lounging, laughing, singing to the wind. And for the nights when I want a little spice, how about pouring me a tall frosty glass of ginger beer, it's non-alcoholic with a bite. Yeow! Add a few munchies to munch, a few friends to touch, and the night is long and lusty, ro-busty, full of spinning tales and gallant gales of laughter. There's my new ritual. A lot like before, sans the hangover. Ahhh.... life is good.

I wonder what I should celebrate with on Monday?